Ex-Girlfriend for a Day
- Wednesday Sep 14,2005 11:14 AM
- By admin
- In general nonsense
Today’s installment of Ex-Girlfriend for a Day gives you a rare opportunity to know what it’s like to have me for an ex-girlfriend. Much like the previous Girlfriend for a Day, you will have multiple packages to choose from. Feel free to mix and match. Custom packages will be quoted on a per package basis. Space is limited, so sign up soon!
1. Every 6 weeks Package: I call you every six weeks after we break up to say hello and pretend that we can still be cordial with each other despite the fact I royally screwed you over. $49.99
2. Still Talk to Your Mother/Sister Package: I remain in contact with your mother or sister, because they still believe I was the best thing that ever happened to you and you never should’ve let me go, and they fill me in on the juicy (or not so juicy) details of your life. They in turn tell you all about the fabulous new, hot, rich, well-endowed boyfriend I have now who just gave me a HUGE diamond ring from Tiffany’s. $69.99
3. Drunken-Dialing Package: I call you while on a ‘girls night out’ after plowing 6+ tequila shots. I start by telling you how much I miss you and that I still love you then I go right in to the and you’re an asshole for leaving me with a you make me fucking sick just for emphasis. $79.99 plus the cost of drinks.
4. Out on a Date Package: We run into each other both out on dates. Difference is that I look fan-fucking-tabulous and my date is ultra-hot, whereas you look like you haven’t showered in a month and your date looks like something from the Addams Family. $59.99
5. The “You Will Never Date Anyone After Me” Package: Everytime you meet someone new I will call you up and profess my undying love for you, knowing full well that you still have feelings for me. You will break it off with the new one, come back to me, and then I will proceed to rip your heart into tiny little shredded pieces, once again. $99.99
6. Out-Of-Nowhere Package: I will leave a message on your voicemail and tell you that I have something important to talk to you about. You can hear a shrill scream in the background, and me saying “shush, be quiet” Counting backwards on your fingers you realize it has been about 9 months since you’ve heard from me. $149.99
7. The “Nowhere-To-Be-Found” Package: I never call you again. $5999.99
19 Comments
That was funny. I think I’ve purchased these packages before from other people. I find your rates quite competitive.
perfect! god, women really DO do these things, without the pay. at least get paid!
I’ll be honest, I’m a bit disappointed in the selection. I was actually looking for a package that included the late phone call about the new boyfriend who “never talks to me, doesn’t understand me, like you do, has no interest in movies or books or anything interesting, like you do … but OHMYGOD! the sex is SO FUCKING INCREDIBLE!”
I was also hoping for something that included Gnocco Fritto. I mean, surely if you’re the ex-girlfriend, this would have been a significant part of the relationship?
I think you should speak to your marketing department. You may be missing a number of revenue-generating oppotunities.
Meme, I was all excited about the previous girlfriend-for-a-day business. But I’m going to have to skip this one. I already have way too much of these scenarios in my real life.
I was hoping at least for a “mercy” sex package - sort of the fling before you go marry your boyfriend/heart surgeon, but it seems to be already sold out.
I’m feeling lucky. I’ll take ‘em all.
I love this so much. We need some ex-wife for the day packages too.
yeah, neil..sorry. the mercy sex packages we’re completely sold-out in pre-order, i was only able to sell as many m-sex packs as vicodin left in the bottle.
bill: that’s an excellent idea! I just sent off an email to corporate.
justin: i think i love you
TAB: you think i should charge more?
How much for you to try to break into my apartment with your key (that no longer works) once a week late on a Saturday night while I’m getting busy with the NEW GIRL?
Eesh… I eat at this restaurant WAYYY too much. Every entree is bitter and stinks of alcohol.
Oh, wait. The stink is me.
Meme, I certainly think you could charge more, given your attention to detail and extra-personalized service.
Sorry Meme, but my wife wont let spend any more money on an ex girlfriend at present. She was surprisingly touchy about the subject as well.
Hilarious! And boy oh boy do my ex-boyfriends owe me some money.
Pauly: Well, let’s see, once a week. Do I have to pound on the window saying, “I know you’re in there…don’t you love me anymore?” or “Who is she? I’m gonna fucking kill her.” Then proceed to let the air out in your tires. I’ll give you the bulk price of $199.99 per month if you sign a 2-year contract. Plus if you act quickly I’ll throw in the 9rules club discount of $19.99 off.
Dave: 9 out of 10 wives approve of their husbands using my services. I’ll give her call.
Paige: If they don’t pay up send their asses to the girlspoke collection agency. I’ll make ‘em pay.
Additionally, I would like to suggest a “Make him look silly at work package”: You purposely call the wrong number at work. Before you are being transferred to your Ex, you start pouring your grief to his colleague.
Also in this package: Make sure he is not at work and a colleague answers his mails. Then you write mails to his business mail-address complaining how much you miss him and that you still love him and that you want him back, etc. Make sure you include some intimate details.
$29.99
Hubert: If you’re speaking from personal experience then I need to talk to your ex…she could teach me a few things. And by the way, that’s WAY too cheap.
You are a shrewd businesswoman, Meme!
I was lured to your site by your ridiculously perfect lips, and have found that you are also unfairly talented and hilarious. Damn you!
May I ask some advice? How much should I charge to stalk my ex’s current girlfriend, and frame him for cheating on her? I would include a nightly drive-by of both their homes.
I don’t want to sell myself short.
Eve: That could get pretty pricey…considering the time required in stalking. ‘Cause we all know stalking is a full-time job, geez, the cost of the wig and sunglasses alone could really set you back. Don’t ask for anything less than a couple of bills.
As with the previous offering, so many good options, it’s hard to choose. Probably a number three. Look for a money wire soonest.
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