Good Day, my loves. While many of you were out this weekend dressed as whores, dreaming of Lexie dressed like your fantasy personified, or simply watching some holiday-themed porn to celebrate Halloween, I was here in my lair, incense burning and balls glowing. I have labored and sweated all night to bring you some astological pleasure. Of course, I am simply a medium through which your horospokes pass, so any undertones of sexual desire may or may not have been rubbed off while flowing through my celestial body. So, let’s get down and dirty, shall we?*

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Last week, you worked hard to stay off the bitch radar, and things seem to have paid off. If you’re feeling underappreciated, try not to let it wear you down. This week will provide you with some much needed recognition for a job well done. In the meantime, you should probably go ahead and pat yourself on the back because no one else is going to do that shit for you. In fact, while you’re patting, go ahead and bring your arm back around front, slide it oh-so-slowly down your chest, slower-slower, now undo your belt, yes, that’s right…

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Are you feeling like you’re in the midst of an uphill battle? Well, you are, sweetcheeks. However, remember how completely kickass you are. Second-guessing yourself or getting wrapped up in your daunting tasks will only slow you down. Remember to breathe and take some time at the end of this week to enjoy the company of someone that soothes you. Maybe you could go to dinner, get some wine and maybe some oysters–oooh, or you could stay home and run a bath with loads of bubbles. Don’t you have a distant friend in the porn industry? Former escort? Stripper? No, eh? Yeah, I must be picking up on an errant vibe from a noisy neighbor’s bedroom. You’d be wise to befriend that one.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
If you’re feeling stuck in the middle this week, you have two things to remind yourself: when you say you can keep a secret, you’re lying, and you are actually a really good mediator. Try to step back from the situation and let the parties involved wrap things up on their own. You can’t solve everyone else’s problems and continue to neglect your own. And, if all else fails, umm, threesome?

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Your stubbornness is starting to get really fucking annoying. Now, hear me out before you continue your slew of explitives. For Christ’s sake, there are children in the other room! You are seriously going to miss out on some excellent opportunities this week if you don’t chill the fuck out. Whatever it is that’s bothering you is not as big a deal as you’ve made it. Spend some time alone to regroup, and, you know, test out some of those fantastic techniques you discovered during last week’s trip to Barnes & Noble. And yes, it’s ok if you scream my name in the process to show your gratitude.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
This week may not be as productive as you’d like it to be, my lions. Try to be patient, or risk being branded as a pathetic team-player. In the end, much of this week is about compromise, so try to keep your shit together. Give a little, and take even less. You will get what you’ve been craving soon enough, so don’t blow your load. In the meantime, pass the time with some inspirational tunes this week. I strongly suggest some Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Tenacious D.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Things may have been hectic last week, but you should expect to begin your descent over the next few days. It’s true that much of the world is comprised of assholes, but keep in mind that this will always keep your trade-in value at a higher rate. In other words, that which keeps you down (no, not the handcuffs) is also making you stronger (spanking also helps build your biceps and, in some studies, can help reduce the appearance of cellulite when on the recieving end). If all else fails, tune in for a dose of some Trading Spouses and all will be well in your world again. Because how great is it to know that you’re not as bad as Marguerite Perrin.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
This week, I’d suggest that you continue working on “me time.” There’s something weighing on your mind that you need to take care of before you worry about the rest of your friends. Don’t worry, horospokeâ„¢ “me time” is so much more fun than, say, Dr. Phil “me time.” You have a handful of options, darling, but we’re nearly in emergency mode so I’m going to skip the bullshit. At the end of this week, buy a bottle of your favorite liquor and an adequate “me time” partner. As long as your companion knows how to share, you’re going to have yourselves a lovely little play date. Game of choice? Show & Tell.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Things are starting to look up for the Scorpios this week. Your resourcefulness and patience is about to pay off if you continue your forward movement. And, for crying out loud, show some fucking enthusiasm while you’re at it. Those close to you are concerned with your negativity, and you need to remind them that you’re not completely heartless. This may be a poor reading on their part, but you aren’t doing much to lead them elsewhere. I’d suggest making out with a platonic friend…perhaps even a gay one, just to remind your group that you actually don’t have a stick (or gerbil) up your ass.

Saggitarius (November 22-December 21)
Hopefully you’re feeling a little less depressed, because things are opening up for you this week. No more roadblocks, my friend, so it’s time to dust off your travel-sized toiletries. What was once exit only, is now open for your navigational pleasure. What was firmly tightened has now been properly lubricated for easier manipulation. And those two barracades that were intertwined for supreme security? They’ve been replaced with a much looser model–a fiscal move in your favor, my little archer. Point that arrow…

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Well, here’s the part where I pretend that “last night” or “last week” never happened. We were both really fucking drunk right? Hell yeah. So fuzzy. Cool. So, yeah, this week? Try to remain practical to avoid losing perspective. Money might be an issue, but I bet you’ve been forgetting to factor in the buckets of singles you’ve been handing out to the needy as of late. As for your love life, you need to approach your conquest like a hardcore businessperson. Use some logic, throw around some fringe benefits, and prepare yourself for negotiations. Oh, and lobbying is always an excellent idea. I suggest keeping in touch with the suits in Precious Stones and Metals.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
This week, you have some excellent ideas running rampant in your creative noggin. Now, the important thing is to remember not to flake out; your genius mind can often overflow when you experience such brainstorms. Try to keep your life goals in mind over the next few days, because planets and stars and shit are aligned in you favor. Of course, you may want to take a moment to reassess those goals. When’s the last time you thought about this? Bagging Eva Longoria, as unique and ambitious a goal that may be, is no longer appropriate. Let’s think big things; size always matters.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Things are going pretty well for you, my fishies. This weekend was tempestuous, perhaps, but the drugs have worn off and you’re feeling less dizzy. As happy as you may be, remember to pay attention to what the rest of us call the “real world.” (Deduct 20 points from your coolness quotient if you just thought MTV.) You, of all people, should know that bliss comes in waves, so do your best to secure yourself against the foaming sea. We’ll take small steps, but you need to remain focused. You can start by remembering that you should be orgasming at least 75% of the time, according to my studies. Get a calculator and crunch those numbers, sister.

…until next week, I’ll be here polishing my ball with some Astroglide.

*some links may be NSFW.

This week Lexie and I took a long hard look at our search referrals to see how you all get to our site. Needless to say the conversation degenerated quickly and you can’t entirely blame us, we don’t make this shit up. Well, I suppose a few bottles of wine does help a bit. The real question is: Do men really prefer to wear panties?

So from gentitalia [sic] to hypnotist hump fest and back again we are pleased to bring you this week’s installment of The Girlspoke DrunkCastâ„¢. Enjoy!

We all need a little help now and then. It seems easy in theory. I mean geez, I live in a city of 8 million people and even I find the task daunting. But I’m taking notes and making observations. And so far I’ve figured out a few things.

Get out of the house
This is the key rule to follow. These days with this crazy world wide net-o-sphere thing everyone’s doing people get glued to their computer screens, asses firmly planted. While you may be able to sort through pictures and profiles of potential lovers via your computer ultimately you’ll need to leave the house, so skip the dating sites and get out NOW. We do suggest though that you find wifi hotspots throughout your day to check in at girlspoke.com for updates.

Proper Hygiene and Grooming
This is pretty braindead, but unfortunately completely overlooked by a large segment of the population. In order for someone to consider coming within a five foot radius of you you’ll need to take certain steps. For example: showering, brushing your teeth, deodorant, etc. Grooming is equally important and overgrooming is a rampant problem. For example: Women: one inch layer of face make-up, big hair, under or over-plucked eyebrows, etc. Men: two words: nose hair…oh and the 1/2 pound of hair goop, remember the wet look is not sexy after three hours into a date.

Drop hints to show you’re interested
Everyone has their doubts, some even need to be knocked over the head. Does he like me, is she attracted to me? To help this process along it’s important to let your potential mate know that you’re interested. Men, say things like: “Wow, you have beautiful hands, they’d look great with a Tiffany’s diamond on them” or “Our last names would sound so great hyphenated.” Women should just say: “Wow, I’m horny.”

Expose yourself to as many people as you can
It’s really important that you make yourself available to a multitude of people. I’ve found the most effective way to do this is to keep the blinds open at all times…most importantly, when coming out of the shower, dressing, writhing naked on the bed, etc. Sitting in your underwear on the balcony is also effective, weather permitting.

Show your playful side
Being serious all the time can be quite a downer to a member of the opposite sex. Let’s say for example that you know someone is coming over to your place, like the apartment building’s handy man. Leave your toys out. A vibrator on the bed. Handcuffs on kitchen counter. Your S&M swing hanging from the living room ceiling. Your collection of lubes on the dining room table.

Don’t show up empty handed
You’re going over to date’s house for dinner, nothing says I’m ready like a bottle of schnapps and a box of condoms.

Show your soft side
Hahaha…just kidding.

Keep them interested
One of the most common problems in our instant-gratification culture is a short attention span so it’s a constant challenge to keep your partner interested. There are many things you can do to remedy this. Provocative clothing. Alcohol. Cash. But if those aren’t working you could try showing your date some of your more popular party tricks, like the neat things you can do with your tongue or how you can put your feet behind your head.

Be open to suggestions
There’s no bigger turn off than close-minded people. It’s important to be open to new ideas/experiences for personal growth. And nothing will make him grow quicker than telling him things like “sure, if you say it won’t hurt with proper lubrication” or “um, ok I’d love it if you wrapped my torso in saran wrap”. And she’ll be putty in your hands if you agree to some of her whims and fancies, “yeah baby, strap it on, why not.”

When all else fails
Desperate times call for desperate measures and stretching the truth can be an effective alternative. And after all pity sex is still sex. As Lexie would say, “A cock is a cock, is a cock…cock, cock, cock…what was I saying?” So we see no problem telling your date things like, “I just found out that I’m dying of [insert a non-communicable disease here]” or “I have to turn myself into the authorities tomorrow and am going away for a long, long time” or “I’m a virgin”.

Follow these simple steps and you’ll be on your way.

*_{Disclaimer: Neither girlspoke.com nor its contributors shall be held liable for any improper or incorrect use of the information described and/or contained herein and assumes no responsibility for anyone’s use of the information. In no event shall girlspoke.com or its contributors be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, special, exemplary, or consequential damages (including, but not limited to: injury or rejection; or loss of penile/vaginal use) however caused and on any theory of liability, (including negligence or otherwise), or any other theory arising in any way out of the use of these Tips, even if advised of the possibility of such damage. This disclaimer of liability applies to any damages or injury, whether based on inappropriate behavior, negligence or any other cause of action, including but not limited to damages or injuries caused by performance, size, premature ejaculation, interruption, defect, or sexually transmitted diseases.}

Current Occupation:

International Gigolo

Haven’t finished High School yet

Unemployed Blogger

How do you rank yourself as a lover?

Awesome, but what is this clitoris thing everyone’s talking about?

Amazing, it’s just the medication that affects my performance.

Fan-fucking-tabulous, it’s you that sucks.

How will you woo me?

6 pack of beer and porn.

Calls at 3am, for a week.

Take down your profile on Match.com (not really, you just change your profile name so I can’t find it).

When I’m PMSing you…

…tell me I’m a fucking nut case.

…hide in the bathroom for a week with your porn mags.

…laugh at me.

I catch you cheating on me, what do you do?

You tell me to get the hell out of the room.

Buy me a dildo and tell me to get over it.

You tell me you weren’t having sex with my best friend, you were just examining a suspicious mole.

You deal with conflict by…

…telling me I’m a fucking nut case.

…sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating, “La, la, la, la…”

…writing about it on your blog.

How do you envision our future together?

A neverending story, kind of like Groundhog Day.

Seperate vacations, apartments, lives, spouses.

Murder/Suicide

Or…

If you answered yes to any of these choices I think we could really get along. So please don’t hesitate… I’m here waiting for you.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This week, you need to watch your back at the office. Your incessant chatter about how often you orgasm per session of lovemaking or how much your boy loves to be in chains is starting to turn the collective stomach of your workplace–even the sex addict in payroll. (Yeah, he’s heard too.) If you can lay low long enough for your co-workers to be distracted by say, a pretty butterfly, they’ll forget about your overbearing perfume long enough for you to snag an invite to Jane’s Giggles party.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The bull is known for its big balls (or ovaries…whatever) but sometimes, you know, when they’re dangling and swinging, it’s just fucking gross. In other words, you moron, you need to chill. Remember that wine that you drank by the jug in college? Well go to the liquor store and buy something that costs about 5 times as much. You need to relax. You could use some classic non-exploratory sex also, but we’re taking baby steps, here.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
I know you’re all amped about that Halloween Party, but hold up for a hot second. Your eye candy is probably going to be there and your costume is more-or-less set. Now you need to call your friend and ask her to call that ex from when she worked at Hooters. She knows him better than you, so use your mouth to communicate for just this once. This prospective hook-up needs a background check before you ask him to help you jack your lantern.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
This is your week to explore a bit. Before all the freaks come out, try spending some time out of your comfort zone. You have the opportunity to meet someone that will excite you in ways that Oprah never could. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. But seriously, get the fuck out of your house and spend some time browsing the Sex & Relationships section at Barnes & Noble. You’ll meet some interesting characters this week, or at least get rid of the dull ones.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Oh, oh, O Leo. Try redirecting your energy this week to, let’s say, the bedroom. Your attraction to large audiences is starting to fray the edges of those close to you. So, dust off that video camera and set up a photo shoot with your number one squeeze. One thing: unless you’re ready to one-up Tommy Lee, never ever show anyone else this tape. And don’t piss off your co-star if she has access. I mean, unless you’re Tommy Lee material dude. In that case, include your phone number in the credits and come up with hot nickname for your member.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Stressed? Ok. This week, let’s try something different. Instead of getting mopey and depressed, get proactive. (Not the fucking zit cream, genius.) You’re so much more productive when you’re pissed anyway, aren’t you? Plus, those tears are doing nothing to help you win the affections of boy wonder. Most importantly, men love a women in control, in high heels, and short skirts. Well, at least the last two for sure. So before you tell off your enemies, you might want to hit up Macy’s for some Big Brown Bag action.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Listen, I’m sure you’d insist that things are “just fine,” but everyone can see that something’s bothering you. While many would suggest you simply move to New York and learn how to bcome a real bitch, I’d also suggest you simply buy a new vibrator. Honestly, that blue one is, well, blue. Trying to make the entire world “get along” is only bearable when you can come home to a strong support network, so start realizing that it’s ok to spend 1/8 of your weekly salary on sex. Or a reasonable substitute. (No, cocaine doesn’t count.)

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
If you continue to insist to your co-workers that you’ve figured out the twist in Lost, you’re going to be the number one target in your office’s version of Maxim Magazine’s Office Politics, The Game! This week, channel your curiosity into something more personal. Ancient Roman pornography, for instance. You need to lighten up, and seeing some of that shit will certainly hinder the arguments that you’ll likely create this week. Plus, sharing some of your newfound erotica is one way to win you some fantastic ass, finally.

Saggittarius (November 22-December 21)
You have a couple of upcoming events that are weighing on your mind. Before they consume your daily thoughts, make a list of the things you enjoy doing. Next week, when you’re refilling your Zoloft, pull out that list and force a smile. Then silently mock anyone you see that is sporting spandex. If you have a camera phone, be slick and get a picture. Remembering to be silly will keep you focused when the rest of the world is simply continuing to spawn morons.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Christ, you are some piece of work, you fucking asshole. If you’d only get that gigantic head of yours out of your fat, hairy ass, you could fucking realize that the rest of the world is plotting your miserable death. Sorry, I’m trying to help you out here. If you don’t kindly shut the fuck up this week, that little thing that you’re hiding is totally going to be leaked to spite your egotistical ass. Can’t be nice? Cut out some pictures of a dog and come up with a story about how you rescued it from death over the weekend. Trust me. Lay low and paste on a smile, jerk.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
This week could make or break you. While your typically wet-napkin personality scores you lots of fans at work, your love life is more flacid than Tom Cruise’s theoretical penis. Do something definitive with your lover this weekend to avoid another train-wrecked relationship. If you don’t have a lover, then you should probably just focus on getting really drunk at the office Halloween party. We’ll work on recharging your batteries next time.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You’re avoiding the inevitable with you-know-who. Get some fucking balls already and do what needs to be done. Picking at that bandaid with a silly frown is not only prolonging the inevitable, but it’s also making you look like a complete dumbass. Seriously. Similar to that time that you got kicked out of that titty bar, you will totally regret this behavior if you continue to pussy foot around. In fact, the subsequent rush will give you a glow later this week. And you know your admirers are all hot for some glow.

It’s always an occasion to celebrate when a new girl joins the girlspoke slumber party. Between tickle fights and panty modelling we found the time to bring in yet another girl. And while Lexie and Casey whip up another batch of jello shots I want to introduce you to Jenna.

Jenna will be preparing you for your week every Monday with her Horospoke. She’s gonna be gazing at the night sky to bring you all the information you’ll need to plan your life. She’ll give you the full moon in your rising sign and as long as Venus is not retrograde in Uranus you should be fine.

Live by it. Don’t start your week without it.

The one thing all of my exes have in common is their equal disdain–ok we can call it outright fear–of with what I might cook. Let’s just say I am not one to throw anything away…ever. It is probably why soups and stews are my favorite things to cook. I have never been one afraid of a wilted carrot. Nor a little mold that can’t be sliced off. And onions, garlics and potatoes sprouting are perfect for braising. Give me leftover rice from Chinese takeout and a week later, I’ll give you rice pudding!

Now, please know, I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN SICK FROM MY OWN COOKING. Nor has anyone else for that matter. And if you weren’t privy to the rotting food in my fridge, the molding bread in my cupboard (hey, croutons!), or the rock hard brown sugar in the pantry from eras bygone–you would never guess by the taste of my concoctions. Some of my greatest culinary achievements were scrounged together from leftovers, we’ll call them matured vegetables, and perhaps some fermented fruit. You know that moment when wine becomes vinegar? Well, hey, what about salad dressing?

One of my exes avoided the fridge entirely. Another regularly cleaned it out when I was away at work, and the other just hovered and sniffed whenever I journeyed to the kitchen. And, oh yeah, the other thing they all had in common, despite their preoccupation with freshness–which let’s admit it, is greatly overrated–was that they would all eat anything I put in front of them.

Funny, that.

Yesterday was a fucking terrible day for both Meme and myself. I knew at around 2pm when the delirium of sleeping nine out of the previous seventy two hours had worn off that I was going to go home, drink at least one bottle of red wine, take some prescription drugs that are clearly labeled, DO NOT CONSUME WITH ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES, and pass the fuck out around, I don’t know, eight p.m.

Things didn’t go quite as planned, because Meme had about the same idea, and we made the mistake of making a New-York-to-California marathon phonecall, during which i started recording the conversation on GarageBand, and anounced that I was going to podcast today’s Girlspoke post because really, I was too fucking lazy to write.

I had almost three hours of hilarious, drunk female banter, where no topic was left untouched. It mostly consisted of talk about penises, how much we like them, how one of us doesn’t mind it in the ass, and the other is more likely to orgasm from a root canal, lost condoms and whether we would take size over experience, but we briefly touched (haha, touched) on world peace, and um…yeah. Who the fuck am I kidding? We didn’t talk about world peace. It was all about cock.

Because cock, my friends, is AWESOME.

Long story short, somewhere between being drunk and, well, drunk, I managed to lose 98% of the DrunkCastâ„¢, leaving a three minute clip where we discuss Meme’s desire for a messy death and disgustingly fat people.

WARNING: Contains foul language, a terrible example of my bastardized Australian-Canadian-American accent, extremely distasteful content. Crank up your speakers and play it in front of all of your co-workers and your boss, and/or kids so they have a reason to go to therapy later on.

And disregard the drunk typing in the background, and any instances where I overpronunciate terms like “no” and “oh my god”.

You know what I really appreciate? What really makes me feel warm inside? I’ll tell you. It’s when someone takes time out of her busy schedule to write me a nice little note saying “Please do your dishes” or “Would you mind taking out the garbage one of these days?”. She could have just talked to me in person, but she went to all the trouble of writing a polite Post-It, in neat block letters, and sticking it in my bedroom door. So lovely! I only wish I knew who to thank.

See, I live in a house with four other girls, and whenever anyone has a problem with anyone else, they leave an anonymous note on a counter or mirror. I understand the reasons behind these notes. I just don’t understand why they’re so fucking passive-aggressive. It’s not cool. It’s not original. I mean, anyone can be passive-aggressive. Hell, I managed to be passive-aggressive for the whole first paragraph before I started hating myself. If I wanted to write some sneaky Post-Its, well, I totally could. For example, you know, just off the top of my head, here a few: (more…)

I know I am not alone in this. Recently, I have been seeking professional help. OK, a lot of professional help. You name it, I’ve tried it: physical therapy for the foot, homeopathy for the insomnia, acupunture for the stress. With the same zealousness once reserved for finding a decent roommate, I have been interviewing therapists. The thing I realized is this. It is very easy to fall in love with your health care provider. They take good care of you, they seem like they really have their shit together, and they know just how to handle you. It’s like they possess some kind of magic power and then you just start feeling better. Well, that’s how it works for me anyway.

The first time I realized this was when I was making soup and chopped off part of my finger. After rushing myself to ER at 10PM on a Monday night, the doctor finally saw me around 2 AM. With great fondness I still remember the cool blue of his eyes, how he gently told me to look away when he injected my finger with so much anesthesia it swelled up like a ballon, and with what care he adminstered 8 perfect stitches. I was only sorry I couldn’tfind reason to return to him more often. Alas, it has been many years since I have had to visit that ER.

Now, I rate only about a “2″ on the Kinsey scale, but since I prefer my health care practioners to be women, this means I am falling for a lot of women these days. Take, for example, my physical therapist: an Amazonian blonde with a husky voice and a penchant for comfortable clogs. The painful massage and impossible exercises aside, I look forward to seeing her every week, her deep voice asking me, “does it hurt when I do this?” and her complete confidence that she can make me feel better. Then there is the acupuncturist who frequently asks about my bowel movements, offers obscure Chinese remedies, and for whom I simply and obediently respond when she commands me to “lie down.” Finally, there is the homeopath whom I’ve only seen once, but who conducted the most thorough interview I’ve had since I appied for the FBI. In fact, so impressed was I, that I immediately went home and started researching how I, too, could become a homeopath.

None of these are cheap dates, mind you. And the homeopath did say that she could not predict what would happen if I continued to see both the acupuncturist and her. Oh, they are a jealous lot! And I am having a hard time keeping all our meetings straight. But for the time being, I am ready and willing to swoon for each and every one of them.