Good Day, my loves. While many of you were out this weekend dressed as whores, dreaming of Lexie dressed like your fantasy personified, or simply watching some holiday-themed porn to celebrate Halloween, I was here in my lair, incense burning and balls glowing. I have labored and sweated all night to bring you some astological pleasure. Of course, I am simply a medium through which your horospokes pass, so any undertones of sexual desire may or may not have been rubbed off while flowing through my celestial body. So, let’s get down and dirty, shall we?*

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Last week, you worked hard to stay off the bitch radar, and things seem to have paid off. If you’re feeling underappreciated, try not to let it wear you down. This week will provide you with some much needed recognition for a job well done. In the meantime, you should probably go ahead and pat yourself on the back because no one else is going to do that shit for you. In fact, while you’re patting, go ahead and bring your arm back around front, slide it oh-so-slowly down your chest, slower-slower, now undo your belt, yes, that’s right…

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Are you feeling like you’re in the midst of an uphill battle? Well, you are, sweetcheeks. However, remember how completely kickass you are. Second-guessing yourself or getting wrapped up in your daunting tasks will only slow you down. Remember to breathe and take some time at the end of this week to enjoy the company of someone that soothes you. Maybe you could go to dinner, get some wine and maybe some oysters–oooh, or you could stay home and run a bath with loads of bubbles. Don’t you have a distant friend in the porn industry? Former escort? Stripper? No, eh? Yeah, I must be picking up on an errant vibe from a noisy neighbor’s bedroom. You’d be wise to befriend that one.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
If you’re feeling stuck in the middle this week, you have two things to remind yourself: when you say you can keep a secret, you’re lying, and you are actually a really good mediator. Try to step back from the situation and let the parties involved wrap things up on their own. You can’t solve everyone else’s problems and continue to neglect your own. And, if all else fails, umm, threesome?

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Your stubbornness is starting to get really fucking annoying. Now, hear me out before you continue your slew of explitives. For Christ’s sake, there are children in the other room! You are seriously going to miss out on some excellent opportunities this week if you don’t chill the fuck out. Whatever it is that’s bothering you is not as big a deal as you’ve made it. Spend some time alone to regroup, and, you know, test out some of those fantastic techniques you discovered during last week’s trip to Barnes & Noble. And yes, it’s ok if you scream my name in the process to show your gratitude.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
This week may not be as productive as you’d like it to be, my lions. Try to be patient, or risk being branded as a pathetic team-player. In the end, much of this week is about compromise, so try to keep your shit together. Give a little, and take even less. You will get what you’ve been craving soon enough, so don’t blow your load. In the meantime, pass the time with some inspirational tunes this week. I strongly suggest some Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Tenacious D.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Things may have been hectic last week, but you should expect to begin your descent over the next few days. It’s true that much of the world is comprised of assholes, but keep in mind that this will always keep your trade-in value at a higher rate. In other words, that which keeps you down (no, not the handcuffs) is also making you stronger (spanking also helps build your biceps and, in some studies, can help reduce the appearance of cellulite when on the recieving end). If all else fails, tune in for a dose of some Trading Spouses and all will be well in your world again. Because how great is it to know that you’re not as bad as Marguerite Perrin.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
This week, I’d suggest that you continue working on “me time.” There’s something weighing on your mind that you need to take care of before you worry about the rest of your friends. Don’t worry, horospokeâ„¢ “me time” is so much more fun than, say, Dr. Phil “me time.” You have a handful of options, darling, but we’re nearly in emergency mode so I’m going to skip the bullshit. At the end of this week, buy a bottle of your favorite liquor and an adequate “me time” partner. As long as your companion knows how to share, you’re going to have yourselves a lovely little play date. Game of choice? Show & Tell.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Things are starting to look up for the Scorpios this week. Your resourcefulness and patience is about to pay off if you continue your forward movement. And, for crying out loud, show some fucking enthusiasm while you’re at it. Those close to you are concerned with your negativity, and you need to remind them that you’re not completely heartless. This may be a poor reading on their part, but you aren’t doing much to lead them elsewhere. I’d suggest making out with a platonic friend…perhaps even a gay one, just to remind your group that you actually don’t have a stick (or gerbil) up your ass.

Saggitarius (November 22-December 21)
Hopefully you’re feeling a little less depressed, because things are opening up for you this week. No more roadblocks, my friend, so it’s time to dust off your travel-sized toiletries. What was once exit only, is now open for your navigational pleasure. What was firmly tightened has now been properly lubricated for easier manipulation. And those two barracades that were intertwined for supreme security? They’ve been replaced with a much looser model–a fiscal move in your favor, my little archer. Point that arrow…

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Well, here’s the part where I pretend that “last night” or “last week” never happened. We were both really fucking drunk right? Hell yeah. So fuzzy. Cool. So, yeah, this week? Try to remain practical to avoid losing perspective. Money might be an issue, but I bet you’ve been forgetting to factor in the buckets of singles you’ve been handing out to the needy as of late. As for your love life, you need to approach your conquest like a hardcore businessperson. Use some logic, throw around some fringe benefits, and prepare yourself for negotiations. Oh, and lobbying is always an excellent idea. I suggest keeping in touch with the suits in Precious Stones and Metals.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
This week, you have some excellent ideas running rampant in your creative noggin. Now, the important thing is to remember not to flake out; your genius mind can often overflow when you experience such brainstorms. Try to keep your life goals in mind over the next few days, because planets and stars and shit are aligned in you favor. Of course, you may want to take a moment to reassess those goals. When’s the last time you thought about this? Bagging Eva Longoria, as unique and ambitious a goal that may be, is no longer appropriate. Let’s think big things; size always matters.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Things are going pretty well for you, my fishies. This weekend was tempestuous, perhaps, but the drugs have worn off and you’re feeling less dizzy. As happy as you may be, remember to pay attention to what the rest of us call the “real world.” (Deduct 20 points from your coolness quotient if you just thought MTV.) You, of all people, should know that bliss comes in waves, so do your best to secure yourself against the foaming sea. We’ll take small steps, but you need to remain focused. You can start by remembering that you should be orgasming at least 75% of the time, according to my studies. Get a calculator and crunch those numbers, sister.

…until next week, I’ll be here polishing my ball with some Astroglide.

*some links may be NSFW.