That’s right folks. I could be your holiday girlfriend for a day. Much like the previous Girlfriend-for-a-Day offerings, this is sure to be a crowd pleaser.

Let’s say you’re not ready to come clean with your coworkers/friends/family about the fact that you spend your nights tivo-ing the latest episode of The Apprentice and trolling all-female blogs. With all the social events on the horizon, there are a finite number of excuses you have at your disposal to slough off your stag status. And despite your best efforts to portray a James Dean/Lone Wolf exterior you know ultimately you come off as a bit of a loser. Frankly you’ll never make partner at the firm/ be up for that promotion from fry cook to assistant manager/ or make your married older brother writhe with envy if you don’t show up with the right gal.

So, in a recent meeting with my marketing department we came up with the following packages for your next holiday function.

Package A

The Office Party: I wear a hot, low cut red velvet dress and those heels that make me 6 feet tall. I weave comments into the conversation about what a stud-gasm you are and how utterly satisfied I am. I do a sultry rendition of Miss Otis Regrets on karaoke while your coworkers pat you on the back and glare hatefully at their respective spouses. After ten glasses of mulled wine you find me in the janitor’s closet blowing your boss. $79.99

Package B

Your married-with-children best friend’s tree trimming party: I wear a short red and green plaid skirt and thigh-high boots. I say witty and scintillating things that make your friend and his wife feel like complete idiots since the extent of their conversations is “Did little Timmy go potty today?” We continue to brag about staying out till 4am at Luke and Leroys laughing it up with Madge or sleeping till noon on Saturdays. After 9 glasses of “grown-up” egg nog I vomit all over little Timmy while he’s bouncing on your knee. $59.99

Package C

Christmas Eve or Hannakuh at your Parents: I wear green corduroy pants and a snowman sweater (oh my god, your mom has the same one? that’s amazing!) During dinner I impress your mother with a lively discussion on my current knitting projects and your father with my knowledge of an internal combustion engine. (She’s a keeper, son!) (Are you sure she’s a shiksa?) We go to bed (seperate bedrooms, of course). You awake at 3am to the sound of me moaning loudly from your 17 year old brother’s bedroom. $129.99 (without the snowman sweater $29.99)

Package D

New Year’s Eve Gala Ball: You take me to a fancy-smancy super expensive New Year’s Eve ball. I wear the blue dress pictured above (and no panties). I make you look ultra sauve on the dance floor, twirling me about tango style. Well, after all, you’re such a great lead, wink wink. It’s getting close to midnight and realizing we have no champagne to toast I run to the catering staff. Tick. Tock. 11:59pm. Tick. Tock. 12:05am. Tick. Tock. 12:45am. I come stumbling out of the kitchen with chef/foodie, Joe DeSalazar, and my dress is lopsided. Oops, sorry. Free! (since Joe is hot and you paid for the event, I figure it’s only fair.)

Happy Holidays!
* _{Coupons not accepted at this time.}

Really. I know you are all thinking I have been hanging out too long on the acidic side of the produce aisle. To help you understand that I am not all things bitter and self-deprecating, here is a little somethin’ for ya. Presented, again, in outline format.

1. I appreciate your comments

A. and if they do not make me laugh
B. or turn me on
C. I still read them

2. The sex was good

A. and the before and after was pretty hot, too
B. so what that you demanded I drive you home that very night?

3. We were in a long distance relationship

A. and airports are pretty hot
B. I picked you up in cognito
C. held a sign with your name smeared in lipstick
D. a blonde wig with sunglasses and boots
E. People stared
F. and you didn’t recognize me
G. and then you did
H. I kept those boots on all night

4. We were young

A. You cheated on me many times
B. But
C. You made sure I came every time

5. You hated it when I called you principe

A. But you really did look like The Little Prince

6. You keep forgetting to bring another helmet for your motorcycle

A. Should I take this personally?
B. You get one more chance
C. buddy

7. You were a gardener

A. I had a barren back yard
B. In the morning you helped me rototill
C. We planted tomatoes
D. We shoveled manure
C. And then we took showers together

8. The good news is

A. I don’t hate you anymore
B. Most of the time

Listen up. There has been entirely too much whining going on around here regarding the big, bad holiday season. Now, because I care about my female counterparts (and because I’m easily annoyed) I’ve decided to get proactive. This week’s horospokeâ„¢ will give you the advice you need in order to snag yourself a friggin’ jolly-good holiday piece of ass.

In case you’re confused, allow me to explain, in list form, how to utilize this week’s installment of Horospokeâ„¢:

1. Locate a sexy peice of ass.

2. Determine this person’s birthday and/or astrological sign.

3. Read the corresponding Horospoke for the gender you’d like to holiday-hump.

4. Get up and score that mo’fo’.

Any questions? Good. Bust out the mistletoe and read on.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Male: The Aries man is the epitome of testosterone. He is all about image and masculinity, and he wants someone that will be his equal. If you’re not a trophy girl, scoring him will be tough. But, if you’re up for the battle, you need to be super thin, super cute, and super willing to kiss his ass.
Female: The female Ram loves being in control. In the sack, however, she’s looking for a tough guy to give her some rough lovin’. If you want to score, be a bit of a pushover at the bar, but a crazy sex machine when you get back to her place. She’ll give you a holiday buzz that’ll last straight through to Valentine’s Day.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Male: This is the too-cool-for-school dude that doesn’t do much, yet manages to score all the ladies. The way to win this stud over is to, quite plainly, tell him that you will, in fact, do anything and everything to make him yours. He feels he is a good catch, yet will succumb to the pushiest of the bunch. Be assertive and sweet, and he’ll melt in your mouth. Or something.
Female: The Taurus lady is a relatively easier score because she tends to be impulsive. She has some stereotypical plans to accomplish, but is easily swayed by someone who is popular, or simply the right man at the right time. Bottom line, if you get her drunk enough, you shouldn’t have much trouble, pal.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Male: This guy is a real pro when it comes to being a bachelor. He’s the proverbial frat boy that all your friends have warned you about, yet secretly crushed on. He’s generally looking for someone as into “a good time” as he is, so mirroring his characteristics is a solid strategy for tagging some Gemini holiday booty.
Female: If you’re looking to score the female Gemini, I’d suggest being scandalous. This girl is attracted to that which would create drama and controversy. If you’re a bit too old, too bad-boy, or too married, she’ll be eager to know more about how you hang your mistletoe.

Cancer (June 22-July22)
Male: This guy is looking for a strong woman. He’ll be hot for a girl that can demonstrate the reason why some countries, and families, still worship the matriarch. He can be insecure, so maintain your powerful persona without putting him down. Oh, and he’s a boob guy, so wear that new push-up from Victoria’s Secret.
Female: This girl probably has some baggage when it somes to men, so beware. But if you’re willing to entertain her desperate need for male attention, maybe even talk about family and shit, you’ll likely get some action in return. In fact, you’ll probably get the blow of your lifetime. Those Cancer girls are all about giving, especially around the holidays.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Male: This one is going to be tough. He’s the master of holding out if he doesn’t see the girl of his dreams, emotionally and sexually. In the meantime, he’ll play cat-and-mouse just for the thrill of the game, likely tormenting you in the process (that asshole). But if you really want this, you’ll have to play along and show him that you’re the ultimate package.
Female: Think Antonio Banderas if you’re aiming to win over a female Leo. They’re into those dark, passionate, fiery types and will purr with lust for such mates. Even if you’re not Hispanic, simply making her laugh or intriguing her will get your Leo all warm and tingly. Her passion loses no steam in the bedroom, so rest up before you shack up.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Male: This guy might seem like a loner, but he’s really looking for someone to mold and shape. Ask him what to drink, what to play on the jukebox, and maybe even for permission to use the bathroom. Play into his game of dominance and get your halls decked with some insanely tantric sex.
Female: The trick with the Virgo woman is to get her to like you. Once she’s even slightly interested, she will do most of the work in adapting to what you’re looking for. Show her you’re a bit rough-around-the-edges, sometimes mysterious, often funny, and full of creativity; before you know it, you’re popping the Virgo’s cherry.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Male: If you’re after some Libra tail for this holiday season, bring your damn Sodoku puzzles and one of those god forsaken NYTimes crosswords. This guy is all about intellectual stimulation from a very pretty lady. He’s also a bit voyeuristic, so perhaps working that hot librarian look will score you some points.
Female: If you want to tap some Libra ass, be prepared for a struggle. She’s fairly stubborn and decided about much of her life and won’t have time for someone with alterior motives. I’d suggest talking about some recently bankrupt safe-house that you’d been working on or that new indie-rock band. She’ll dig all that autonomous, anti-establishment bullshit.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Male: The Scorpio you’re eyeing is a no-nonsense kind of guy. He’s not into superficiality or any kind of euphemistic views on life. Your best bet is to play the hippie vibe. Be warm, open, loving, kind–all that bullcrap. Maybe even throw in some clove cigarettes for extra oomph. He’ll be frolicking in your field by the end of the night.
Female:This feminina is another tough cookie. She’s confident, and she won’t hesitate to let you know that she’s a fucking diamond in the rough. But push on, my holiday nookie hunter. Be quick to get her drinks, defend her honor, and–yeah, kiss her ass–and she’ll be sold. She’s into those namby-pamby momma’s boys.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Male: If you’re itching for a Sagittarius, you should know that he’s a hot commodity–and he knows it. When it comes to sex, he’s looking to open your eyes to his new world of kink. Your game needs to be strong. Approach him like you know you’ve already scored, whisper a bit, bite that lower lip, and rub his thigh. He’s down for whatever.
Female: The female of this species is a sucker for compliments. She is looking for validation as the most gorgeous and desirable woman in the room, so it should be your goal to get her to see that. She’ll thank you enthusiastically back at your place.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Male: This guy will politely fold if he senses any kind of competition. So if your ex is stalking you from across the bar, get that schitzo a Roofie and set him up next to Patsy, the town whore, STAT. He’s looking for a safe girl, a girl to bring home to Mom and Dad, so leave your Playboy necklace at home and show him your, uh, pearl necklace.
Female: This girl needs to feel like she knows you before any clothing is removed. Your saving grace is that she can be compulsive–let’s just hope it’s about her martinis. She can be a bit skittish, so play it super smooth and maybe drop Jesus’ name a little bit.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Male: He’ll be intrigued by a fresh face in a crowd of people he’s known for a while. So if he’s an old friend you’re looking to hook, dye your hair or change your look in some other dramatic way. Maybe talk about how much you love to travel and meet new people. You’ll be happy to know that he’s also quite maleable, in more ways than one.
Female: This girl is most likely to be crushing on the egomaniac of her social circle. So, you need to polish up your asshole vocabulary and put on that old, ripped denim jacket. Once you’ve got her ready and willing, make sure you wow her with some soft loving. She’s not into that kinky shit, Fonzie.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Male: Ok, Fish boy is looking for someone that feels him. He will pay little-to-no attention on what you’re wearing; he’d rather see you from the inside out. (Gross, but true.) So get all deep and dark, and maybe smear on that black eyeliner just to get in the mode. Talk about your sorrows and shit and he should be a sure thing.
Female: You want some o’dat Pisces chick? She’s gonna make you work, compadre. She wants someone as masculine as she is feminine. She might come across as bitchy or pretentious, but she’ll be happy to have you make her decisions for her. Order her another drink without asking first, then suggest another bar. She’ll follow and you’ll be one step closer to unleashing her insanely sexual nature.

Got it? Do you have your game plan set? I mean, this is it–the time is now, and all that. According to my visions, you should have a 76% higher chance of landing some Grade A Holiday Ass if you follow my directions. If, and only if, you have done exactly as I’ve suggested and you still are alone for the holidays, I will totally give you your money back (and I guess you can whine a little, too). Oh, and I guess I’ll have pity enough to invite you to open presents at my parents’ with me and my dogs. But bring me something pretty or my dad will kick your ass.

We’ll be back to our regularly scheduled nonsense tomorrow. In the meantime, here’s a wordsearch to sharpen your intellectual skills…

Hello, Mr. New York.

I’m going to keep this brief but I just wanted to give you a heads up. I’ve been here almost two years now and for most of these two years I’ve kept myself pretty busy. No time for idle thoughts or self-deprecation. Just going about my life as though you never existed, and actually you don’t yet, at least not in my world.

I know I have at least 10-15 more bad dates to go on before we can meet. I need to be sorely disappointed approximately 5-8 times. And I need to be stood up once. In the pouring rain, where I can meet the next man who will inevitably disappoint me by turning out to be a complete fucking nut case. You see, I know you’re simply too fabulous for me now. You’re so fabulous that I wouldn’t even be able to see how fabulous you actually are. I need to fall on my ass a few more times just so that I can appreciate your extraordinary self. Timing, right?

And once we meet we can laugh about all our adventures in dating in New York. We’ll swap stories like my ‘naked-lawyer-guy’ or ‘asparagus-halitosis-guy’ and yours like maybe ‘girl-with-weird-mothball-fetish’ or ‘looking-for-sugar-daddy-girl’.

I just want you to know I’m getting myself ready, as you probably are too. And I know that this relationship will be doomed from the beginning because, let’s face it. I’m too sophisticated for you, and you’re too cosmopolitan for me. Our union won’t be big enough to house both of our egos. I can accept that because, well, I have to. This is the kind of relationship that is required to be classified as a True New yorker.

Till I meet you, and till we miserably and subsequently break up, here’s to more bad dates.

So, my crystal ball is on the fritz this week. As crazy psychics are prone to do, I panicked and promptly threw it against the wall. It took out a lamp and may have concussed my dog before shattering all over my den floor. Needless to say, I had to improvise a bit for this week’s installment of Horospoke. Tarot cards are not my style, nor is reading your tea leaves. Of course, the fact that none of you are within physical distance to participate in such an intimate reading was yet another obstacle. What’s a girl to do? Yeah, you guessed it; I got drunk. I drank white wine, vodka tonics, and some obscure bitter-tasting-yuppie beers. Then I finished it off with a shot of tequila.

And then.
Then, it hit me.

It needs no further introduction. Get to know your fellow Horospokians. You have much to learn from each other. Probably much to hate and/or lust after as well. Let’s get it on, bitches.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
My darling Aries. You look better this week, which is good. I mean, I was thinking of contacting your cardiologist. As far as the situation you’re handling with that on-again/off-again friend, you have two options. If your urges to resist are simply causing too much heartburn, then obviously you need to act upon your desires (GO TO GEMINI). On the other hand, your conscience is probably wooing you strongly in the opposite direction. If you can control yourself, take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back (GO TO PISCES).

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus, you have a shit-ton of unnecessary drama surrounding you this week. In fact, I’m concerned that you may not be handling things too well. Here’s the deal: you are forgetting to take care of yourself and those that love you. Try to stop worrying about the ones that are creating tension in your life and plan a nice evening of partying and hot sex. Why don’t you go to that hardcore concert next weekend (GO TO LIBRA) or perhaps just hit up the liquor store and that Mom & Pop video rental place that still has the “back room” (THE END. You’ve just run into your sibling perusing the Debbie Does Collection and get too flustered to grab any porn. You pound the vodka back in the car and get arrest for DWI on the way home).

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Damn, you are on fucking fire! While you may still have some minor details to figure out, a lot of your plans are falling into place at long-last. Now is not the time for modesty, so take the moment for what it is: the prelude to your fifteen minutes of fame. Of course, you could fuck things up more easily that you might think. What to do? Be prepared for an intimate and productive encounter. And we all know that being prepared means buying some new underwear. Are you going to head over to H&M? (GO TO TAURUS.) Or would you rather see what LaPerla has in its bargain racks? (GO TO LEO.)

Cancer (June 22-July22)
Ok Cancer, this is going to be one of your best weeks in a while. Just think, family and friends, turkey and gravy, and maybe even some football and porn. You’re finally out of your dark pool of self despair, even if it’s momentary. So, we’re gonna run with this and see if we can get those endorphins to carry you through the entire Holiday Season. I would recommend something fully festive, like creating your own holiday–sorry Blogmukah is already taken–and getting all Martha Stewart on the homefront (GO TO SAGITTARIUS) or possibly signing up to be one of those scary Salvation Army bell ringers (GO TO AQUARIUS).

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Ok, so maybe you’re not the big gigantic hairy ass that I’ve been making you out to be. Well, hairy maybe, but not gigantic. This week, you are going to be a bit more mellow than usual, and I hope you are able to decompress enough to enjoy it. If you have been misleading with your best friend, you should probably use this time to expose yourself. Not in public, of course. Gonna get all sensitive and sweet as you bear your, um, soul? (GO TO ARIES.) Or would you rather just drop-trau and moon me? (THE END. Girlspoke Security has blocked your IP address for unsportsmanlike conduct. Profuse apologizing and asskissing may reverse your charges.)

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You’re not one to mope, typically, so try not to let this week get the best of you. In fact, what you are interpreting as a dry spell may just be the abstract vacation that you’ve been needing all along. Emotional strength can be one of your strongest assets, but you may have been feeling blah as of late. Choose one of the following activities in order to resist falling into a dangerous comfort zone: entice some married men to ogle you and throw fifty-dollar bills at you simply for being incredibly hot (GO TO CANCER) or maybe just tell that certain someone off; he (or is it a she?) totally needs to be grounded, and you’re the perfect person to bring ‘em down. (GO TO CAPRICORN.)

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Be careful, my Libra. You are feeling really happy and all that great shit, but getting too sunshine & lollipops! is dangerous (not to mention annoying as fuck). You have some really big things that need to be taken care of. Sometimes it’s good to be detached, if only to get your shit in line. Remember that you can only be as happy as you make yourself. Or something like that. I’m not a fucking poet. So, either take your phone off the hook and lock yourself in the library (GO TO GEMINI) or throw caution to the wind and tell me to fuck off (THE END. No one talks to Jenna that way, you little bitch.)

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You are totally bumming out over something that isn’t going as you’d planned. Just try to remember that you are smarter than them, so they’re obviously the ones that fucked up. With the holidays approaching, you’re also feeling slightly tense, aren’t you? Well, call me crazy (I’m just kidding. Don’t call me anything, or I’ll beat your ass like a Libra), but I think that things will actually be different this year. Feel yourself boiling up and about to blow your load? Try to relax with some spiked EggNog (GO TO TAURUS). Or, if you’re not the raw-egg-guzzlin’ type, then make yourself a White Russian and watch Scarface (GO TO VIRGO).

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You are so kickass, my Sagittarius. Seriously. Remember that when I tell you that there are a lot of people that are annoyed with you right now. Wait, before you get pissed or start crying, I just hope you realize that they’re hatin’ the player instead of the game. And we all know how incredibly fucked up and unfair that is, right? Right! Keep your head up this week and don’t let those little bitches get you down. Your totally prettier than them, anyway. What’s that? Oh, you’re welcome! (GO TO VIRGO.) Oh, you said I know I am. Duh!? Right. My bad. (THE END. Go to Hell.)

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
This week might feel a bit overwhelming and even depressing, but you’re underestimating your resilience. In fact, you’re underestimating yourself a lot lately. I’m not sure how to encourage you to snap out of this aside from cursing you out, so I’ll try to suggest some activities instead. You deserve an ego boost. How about you go to Hooters (GO TO PISCES) and indulge in some of those infamous wings, or maybe just Google yourself. If someone else has brought more fame to your name than you have, just pretend you’re that person for a few days (GO TO SAGITTARIUS).

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Listen, my watery friend. You’re kind of all over the map this week. I’m not sure if you’re stressed or just trying to please someone that isn’t receptive. Either way, you’re not being effective. I would suggest taking out your journal and trying to write a bit. You need to regroup and refocus your energies. Shit, you may even come up with something good this time! Feel like writing some music or poetry? (GO TO LIBRA.) Or maybe you’re feeling the need to write some witty hatemail instead (GO TO LEO). Either way, do it up. You haven’t written much since you broke your bong, so try to make up for lost time.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Sometimes you sense that the world is overly dark and painful. If you’ve been balancing this out by detaching yourself emotionally, you’re going to run into some problems this week. It’s only a matter of time before the pressure builds up and you flip out on your friend for saying something harmless. Seriously, forgetting to thank the Toll Collector on the highway is no reason to proclaim that you’d rather walk home than ride with such an ungrateful bitch. Have a conversation to put some issues on the table (GO TO CANCER). Otherwise, you’re going to be called out for the psychotic person you’ve become (GO TO SCORPIO).

If you manage to fuck up your destiny this week, you’ve only yourself to blame.

For today’s edition of DrunkCastâ„¢ we had the distinct pleasure of interviewing one of our favorite (and hottest) blogosapians in the blogosphere, Justin from Dude.Man.Phat. We found out that not only is he a gentleman (”This’ll go a lot easier if you just both take off your clothes”) but also a bard (”Me + Mischa = Foreverscha”).

What Justin didn’t know was that Lexie and I were carrying on a seperate conversation on Instant Messenger while this was going on…

meme: dude…i wanna hump him
lexie: OMFG me too
lexie: fuck
lexie: me
lexie: right
lexie: now
meme: me too
meme: holy shit
meme: ahhhhh
lexie: i love him
meme: i super heart him
meme: my panties are unwashable
lexie: i have to throw mine away
lexie: i need to get rid of his girlfriend
meme: i’ll hold her arms you tie him up
meme: i mean tie her up
meme: well…let’s tie him up too
lexie: yeah
lexie: me too
meme: yeah
meme: nice
lexie: OMG, i heart him
meme: i’m starting a fan club
lexie: yeah
meme: and i’m president
meme: dude
meme: i’m drunk

“Girls… they’re so picky. So high maintenance. Especially the pretty ones… god, they’re the worst.”

Okay, that’s not technically a quote. I might have made it up myself. But I know I’ve heard shit like that from lots of guys before. Help me out here: if you’re a guy, haven’t you uttered something along those lines at some frustrated point in your life? (Say yes.) If you said yes, you’ve bought into one of the major misconceptions about the modern female.

Granted, it’s not really your fault. The concept of the reverse Cinderella is supported by masses of cultural evidence, from Sex and the City to Stephanie Klein. But keep in mind, kids, these choosy beggars are from Manhattan (which, not actually the centre of the universe). That’s a small pool from which to draw a stereotype, not to mention a shallow one.

The truth is that girls, generally speaking, just want a lover they can be friends with. And you only have to read Girlspoke for, like, a week before you realize that most of us really just want a lover .

I’m lucky enough to have one, and not just any one, but probably the one. He makes me laugh. He makes me come. And after a year and half, he still makes me go all starry-eyed and butterfly-stomached. Really, what more could a girl ask for?

Last night I was at his house to edit an essay and somehow we ended up doing everything but. We drank a little whiskey (at six p.m.), smoked a little weed (relax, it’s Canada), watched a little television (Prison Break, starring my new celebrity crush), and had a little sex (actually, a lot of sex. Hot, young, ecstatic, drunk/high sex.)

That’s it. No flowers. No Coldplay songs. No romantic dinner, unless you count microwave popcorn, chips and candy, all consumed at an alarming rate thanks to my wicked marijuana-induced cravings.

I told him (a little breathlessly, after our third round) that it was the best night ever, and I meant it. We had fun, and isn’t that what’s missing from relationships these days? Don’t we all just want to forget the complicated bullshit about needs and compromises and finding the perfect eighteen month anniversary present? Don’t you?

Maybe not. Maybe I’m the exception, or maybe I don’t count at all because, hell, I’m only twenty and ridiculously in first love. But I have a feeling that the modern female is less like Carrie Bradshaw or those chick bloggers, and more like me — a good-time girl looking for a lasting high.

Presented in outline format:

1. You forgot to ask me out.

A. I ran into you on the train and I gave good conversation.
B. I invited you to yoga with the girls to which you declined.
C. I paused awkwardly after I said goodbye, allowing you the opportunity to awkwardly ask me out.
D. You did not.

2. You called me.

A. I called you back.
B. Then you called me.
C. Then I called you back.
D. AND THEN I NEVER HEARD FROM YOU AGAIN.

3. You told me the sex was hot,

A. but that you were thinking about getting back together with your ex.
B. The one who cheated on you in 3 different states.

4. You asked for the money you loaned me for the downpayment

A. Two weeks after we broke up
B. When I had to find a roommate.
C. Fast.
D. I paid you back
E. and went into debt.

5. You found me on my blog

A. You asked me out via email.
B. We went out on 3 hot dates.
C. You blogged about it.
D. Then we had hot sex.
E. And then you went out with another blogger.
F. I find out about it,
G. when I read her blog.

6. My sister set me up with you

A. We had a lot of fun.
B. I laughed so hard I snorted.
C. We made out at your house until the wee hours.
D. I had heard you were maybe conservative
E. But my sister forgot to tell me
F. that you voted for Bush.
G. Twice.

7. You did not leave a comment.

A. If you did, it did not make me laugh outloud and spew my latte all over the computer,
B. nor was it appropriately flirty enough to make me feel sexy.