I’m going to take a quick break from staring at the sky (my neck is killing me) to give you all a lesson in gift-giving.

But, why Jenna?

Well, primarily because my birthday is rapidly approaching, and I’d like to use this post in my annual “just a little reminder!” email to my friends and family. For all you playing (with yourselves) at home, the beloved date is March 9th—email me for my mailing address. Did you actually think Meme shares her PayPal account?!

Now, when it comes to giving gifts, you need to put forth an amount of effort that is proportionate to the length of time you have been with this person. While the recipient may be ever-complex and choosey, the process itself should be easy as a lubricated whore.

*Please note: this guide is primarily set for couples, but could also be applicable to very close friends, or quirky (almost to the point of incarceration) relatives.

Lust at First Sight — One Month

If you have the misfortune of finding a partner this close to his or her birthday, you’ll suffer some inconvenience. Clearly jewelry is a bit much, and the sex toys and lingere may send the wrong signal (or, the right one, just too quickly). On top of this, you are under a microscope. If you want to stick around, you better impress. For you, I’d suggest something from the following list:

A Mix Tape (as long as it does not contain any music from the following: Enya, Meatloaf, Phil Collins, Eminem, or Sarah MacLoughlin.) Somewhere in the mix, you should add a Girlspoke DrunkCastâ„¢ . When she grows alarmed, look surprised and say that you must have slipped that in accidentally. Mentioning one of us as an ex-girlfriend will totally score you some desirability points.

A Book. I would highly recommend The Lost Blogs by Paul Dickerson–er, Davidson.

An evening out. Nothing says, “You’re hot, and I don’t love you, but totally want to bang you” like a night on the town. Make sure you drive, but accidentally have too much to drink. The cab ride home, or the walk at 2am, will leave her “thank you!” options wiiiiide open.

One Month — Six Months

Earmuff the munchkins, because I’m about to drop the F word. Gift-giving during this time period requires you to show your feelings. But fear not, because Jenna has all the answers. Choose from the following:

A card. Yes, a card is now a requirement, and we’re not talking the free e-cards you can get at pickleparty.com. Really, you can’t do too badly here because us chicks know you’re out of your league. However, no woman can excuse the card that has those two bunnies surrounded by floating hearts. Fucking bunnies? Are you kidding me?

A personalized photo album. Surely she has a flickr account? Or at least you’ve hacked into her computer looking for misplaced nude photos? Great. Then compile all those that have the both of you looking happy. I would strongly discourage including any photo where the female’s hair or skin looks bad. When in doubt, have another woman on standby with full veto power. You know what? Adding a naughty section at the end isn’t such a bad idea. Just make sure they’re all with her, jackass.

Clothing. Eventually, all men are compelled to purchase clothing as a gift. Whether it be a sweater, a dress, or cute panties, take my advice: DON’T. Seriously, the odds are against you. It’s not going to fit. It’s in the wrong color. You think I’m a SIZE 12?! Even with lingere, guys. Let that be her gift to you. A French Maid costume complete with garter belt and stockings is not exactly a gift for her, dumbass.

Six Months–One Year

The pressure is on to start dropping money for your lover at this point. If you want to play it safe, jewelry is now a viable option. In fact, if you haven’t bought her baubles at all yet, it is now a necessity. Of course, even jewelry can be a dangerous territory. Take this cheat-sheet with you in case you find yourself off the beaten path.

Gold. There are three options when it comes to jewlery: silver, gold (white and yellow), and platinum. Platinum is for the rich and about-to-be-engaged, so we’ll leave that on the back burner for now. So we’ve got silver and white or yellow gold. If you’re looking to evoke images of WalMart and trailer trash, then go with silver. If you’re interested in actually keeping this girl around, go with gold. As for what color…the general rule is that Italians get yellow and everyone else wears white.

Precious Stones. Until you’re on one knee, you should avoid dropping diamonds around this woman. As for the rest, avoid anything that is pastel or ends in “-ite.” Oh, and green. That peridot shit is for suckers. And for all you boys out there thinking, but she’ll never know if it’s fake, right? Wrong. We know. Always.

*Jewelry Note: If the item you have purchased looks similar to *anything* in the Kay Jewelers catalogue, you’ve struck out. Find a friendly female to help you and try again.

One Year –Two Years

Now you need to start mixing romance and (here it comes again) feelings with money. Think Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous or that annoying Sweet Sixteen show on MTV. After her birthday, your girl should be able to say, Um, yeah. My gift wasn’t really anything like either of those, but I can see the comparison you’re going for here. With that in mind, I suggest the following:

A weekend away. This can be win-win if you play your cards right. Casinos can totally be sexy. Just make sure you bring some stylish clothes and let her shop. Does a Bed & Breakfast sound too frilly? Well, they’re meant to be cozy and relaxing (read: you’ll get laid lots).

Spa package. If you get the deluxe package that includes the full body massage, facial, and beauty treatment, I bet she’ll even go Brazilian for you.

Two Years +

I’ll be honest with you. At this point, the gifts are getting little old, so you’re going to need to be quite dramatic…

Cosmetic surgery. On you, genius. She’s perfect just the way she is. Your ass, on the other hand, could use some plumping.

A child. Preferrably from your loins. Refrain from grabbing one off the street. She’s certainly not that desperate. And, hey, if you’re sterile, you can always get all Brangelina and adopt the fucking world.

Pornography. That’s right, stud. You’ve been good all these years. Now it’s time for you to hit up Best Buy for a digital camera and tripod. It’s movie-making time!

Beyond two years, if she’s still around, you’re probably no longer in need of the girlspoke training wheels. Congratulations on scoring the lady (and please remember to mark my birthday on your calendar.)

xo
Jenna

Yes, the dreaded VDay is coming, but let’s get one thing clear before I begin. You still have a week or two before you are allowed to wine about being alone and miserable on National Love Day. This week, we’re going to be proactive–I think it’s called optimistic? I dunno, but I hear it’s kinda fun. So we’re gonna give it a shot! Everyone grab a cup and some pink glasses or something. I hear that shit has something to do with it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re feeling pretty perky this week and I think you may have even forgotten that the big V Day is almost upon us. Good on you, rockstar. Use your energy and enthusiasm to get some practical things done this week. After you see the F word (February) on your calendar this week, I think things will beging to go downhill. You always were the sappy one of the group.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Prepare yourself, Taurus. Every now and then you need a reality check on your dramatic tendencies, and the time has come. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your co-workers talk about you incessantly and the only person that can actually stand you right now is your pet rock. Dude. Grow up. Life is hard, but moping at your age is simply unacceptable. Just think, in twenty years or so, you’ll be in even worse physical shape, so enjoy what you’ve got now. It probably won’t get too much better. (Shit…I fogot about that optimism thing….)

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
How are you doing? I’m picking up on some painful vibes from my Geminis this week, and I can’t tell if they’re emotional or physical. Did you just get dumped? Get a Brazilian? Either way, you’re a tough chick and you can handle it. In fact, all of this will heal much more nicely if you just quit your sniveling. Suck it up, Gemini. You’re hottest when you’re reenforcing the sentiment that you are, in fact, one hardcore chick. Bow down, bitch. Bow down.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Ok, I can tell that this time of the year has got you all introspective, hasn’t it Cancer? You can have your moment now, I suppose, because you always seem to rally when the actual holiday comes around. You have friends and shit that remind you of the love you do have. But let’s use this preemptive moping period productively. Why are you alone this year? Yeah, let’s work on that. Part of it’s them, but part of it’s you, my love.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Things have been really hectic for you lately, haven’t they? You seem to have played your hand fairly well with all the personal and business issues you’re dealing with, so bravo. In fact, you might be getting lots of attention this week for all your hard work and dedication. Be prepared to recieve, my friend. And just like a Leo, you’ll be loving every hot, sweaty moment of it. Make sure to bring a glass of water; no one likes having to get up after that.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
My Virgos might be having it rough this week, but they always know how to handle shit very efficiently. So you were just dealt some unsettling news, so what? There isn’t a better person this could have happened to. You are already all over that mess and ready to move on. Things might be somewhat shitty for the next few weeks or so, but everyone knows you made the right move. Oh, and on a romantic note, I totally see that someone is going to propose to you, like, really fucking soon. Hot.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Ok, so you know how Coldplay used to be cool, and now Chris Martin’s voice is just super annoying and shit? Well, that’s kinda the turn you’re taking, buddy. Now listen, I know you’re not trying to be obnoxious. I mean, look, do you think they thought naming a baby after a piece of fruit would be so irritating? Of course not! They’re just dumb and misinformed about the world! Just like you, Libra! So, stop being a prick and just chill out. If you don’t listen to me, someone else will be all over you like white on rice (and with much less compassion, my retard-o friend).

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Someone is being a bit controlling in your life, Scorpio. And while you’re typically one to handle such things quietly, I think that it’s becoming an issue that you can no longer live with. Of course, it’s not going to kill you, but it is quietly darkening your spirit. I propose that you ball up and actually have a conversation with this person. I know, I know—you?! Talk?! But hear me out; I think it will actually be a good thing! Try it out! I’m even trying out this optimism gig, and it’s not too bad!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You Sags are giving me some trouble this week. I’m having trouble reading you. I mean, why are you giving me the silent treatment? Did I do something? Say something? You know me! You know I’m never out to hurt you, don’t you? I mean, what do you want from me? Do you think I walk on water? Yeah, well, I’ve got a newsflash for you, jackass. Yeah. That’s right. I said it. Jack. Ass. I’m so out of here. You just figure this shit out for yourself.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
I’m not too sure what to tell you, dude. Maybe you should start wearing less black. Redecorate the apartment? I mean, they say that even going tanning will do wonders for your serotonin. Something about the lights, or maybe it’s the cancer. Whatever. My point here is that you need to cheer up! There are studies that say that even forcing a smile will instantly make you feel more chipper. Try it! No, don’t shake your head; try it. Yeah! There you go, eh? Now go on and get outta here, you crazy cat! Go on, git!

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Why did they write a song about your sign anyway? I mean, didn’t they know that you’d forever be associated with that annoying musical? I feel you, my shafted friend. This simply is not fair. But, sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches. Just remember that this does not include parodying onesself by singing that song before anyone else can get the jab in. That actually just makes you look like a big loser. Please stop that.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You, you, you! You big beautiful person! Seriously, you probably have it the best this week, my fishy-wishy friend! Now, this may seem far-fetched, but I’m seeing big things for you. I’m seeing a train, possibly even a long journey. You will find yourself in a new place this week, and it’s going to make you so fucking happy. In this new place, you shall find the love of your life. Hey, is that a diamond ring in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?!

So, wasn’t that fun? Yeah, it was kinda neat! Though, I’m not fully sold on these fucking pink lenses. I look like white trash. And fuck, I need some more water…

Following up with our business proposal from yesterday I bring to you the DumpCast. Poor Johnny had no idea what was about to hit him. He was a good sport though and in the end I think he was the real winner. Sorry Susie, I know a good opportunity when I see one, but you can’t complain cause I did it all in one phone call.

*_{Addendum to Girlspoke Dumping Serviceâ„¢: $49.99 charge to keep me from dating your soon-to-be ex-boyfriend}

And don’t forget to vote for Girlspoke in the Best Podcast Category over at the Bloggies!

Hello faithful readers. Today is your lucky day. All of us here at Girlspoke have been fretting over the impending holiday. You know the one, Valentine’s Day. Ugh. I say it but I don’t mean it.

We know many of you are of a similar state of mind, so we put our collective heads together and brainstormed this one out. What could we do here at Girlspoke to ease the pain of that hideous day? Well, what do we do best? We all said the same thing at the same time, “We make people feel like crap” Ding! Ding! Ding!

Welcome to the Girlspoke Dumping Serviceâ„¢
Are you feeling the pressure of Valentine’s Day bearing down on you like a lead weight? Do you always give/get the wrong gift? Take him/her to the wrong restaurant? Overpay for flowers that will be dead in a matter of days? Then my friend, it’s time to free yourself of the burden of the holiday of love by taking a preemptive strike. That’s right, dump her/him before the holiday, not after. Come on, why would you wait till after you’ve shelled out all that money for a gift and gotten yourself dressed up only to let it all go to waste by dumping your respective partner afterwards. It makes no sense.

Think about this way…ladies, why bother getting him the perfect gift, shaving, putting on something other than pajamas when he’s just gonna take you to a crappy restaurant because he didn’t bother to make the reservations 2 months ago? And guys, why drop 300 bucks on a stupid prix fixe menu at some restaurant that’s totally taking advantage of you when your woman probably doesn’t even care and is planning to sneak out after you fall asleep to meet up with her other man before the night is out? People, people, people…let us help you, help us to help you, cause we’re like the fucking Florence Nightingales of the internets, we’re here to save your asses.

This service includes one telephone call to your mate, $29.99. If your BF/GF requires more than one phone call, we will bill your credit card $19.99 for each additonal call. We stand behind our services and guarantee that you will no longer be burdened in time for Valentine’s Day, even if it takes 20 phone calls.

Stay tuned to hear our first call tomorrow!

Get ready y’all, I’m coming at you with another Girlfriend for a Day offering. I sat down with the marketing department of Spoke Media haggling the details through a working-wine-lunch for 4 hours yesterday. I think they got me to do things I’d normally never do.

And after karaoke we hammered out the final details.

This time we decided to offer some poignant moments to cherish, those kind of moments that last forever in your memory*. All the drama, none of the red carpet screaming fans or expensive cocaine habit. You too can have a Hollywood Moment with me. Why waste the opportunity for a tearful reunion when you can hire me to be there, and really, who wants to be the guy without a gal chasing after the boat as it leaves the docks. Come on say it, “…king of the world…” ok, now shut up.

As always, pick from the following packages.

Package A

The “Tearful Airport Departure” Moment: You’re leaving for a year to live in some 3rd world country to do some sort of humanitarian work. I come with you to the airport wearing a hot skimpy little dress (no panties). We make out by the ticket counter, I even squeeze out a few tears. After you pass through the security we hold our hands up to each others through the bullet proof glass window. As you mouth “Wait for me, I’ll write you everyday, I love yo…”, I’ve already turned around to leave. $99.99

Package B

The “Marry Me” Moment in the Crowded Restaurant: Ever wonder what it feels like to be the center of attention in the middle of a crowded restaurant? Now you can experience it firsthand. You take me out to dinner at an expensive fancy restaurant. We pretend you’re celebrating the promotion you just got but midway through dessert you get down on one knee next to me. I feign surprise, “Oh my gawd! What? Oh oh oh!” You put a big fat diamond ring on my finger, I even squeeze out a few tears. After you come back from paying the check I’m gone. $79.99 **

Package C

The “What Do You Mean You’ve Been Screwing My Sister” Moment in Ikea: This package is for the more sadistic in the bunch. We go shopping at Ikea and somehow it comes out that that you’ve been humping my sis. I make a huge scene and run out knocking over an entire display of Lyckeby and Bumerang. I even squeeze out the requisite tears. You chase after me saying something truly asinine like, “But honey, it only made me realize how much I love you….!” $49.99***

Package D

The “Arriving from Cross Country by Train into NYC for the First Time” Moment: You’ve been travelling for days on a train and you want some hot little number to be there at the train station when you arrive. How better to arrive in NYC? This one’s kinda sticky cause while all the arrangements were made you didn’t pay the additional “In Case of Late Arrival” surcharge. By the time you arrive I’m long gone and the only one squeezing out tears is you. Had the train arrived on time, you would’ve been greeted by me looking like a spring morning that takes your breath away. I would’ve run across the terminal and jumped in your arms, where you would’ve picked me up and swung me around. Then we’d collapse into a passionate kiss while a crowd of onlookers gathers and people start taking pictures. $149.99****

*_{Cherish these moments forever, add pictures for an additional $99.99}
**_{Cost of ring and dinner additional and non-refundable}
***_{This one is more fun for me than you cause my sis is actually my bro, she’s just pre-op, sorry man.}
****_{In Case of Late Arrival Surcharge: $299.99}

It takes me at least a year living in a new country before I go in for a bikini wax. Once you get used to a familiar gentle touch by your regular waxist, it is quite daunting to blindly leave your nether regions in the hands of yet another stranger.

My first bikini wax was by Bella, a Russian woman in Chicago. My mother made the appointment for my little sister and I (while this may seem odd, bare in mind that for a long time my family consisted of only my sister my mother and I, where roaming around the house in various states of undress and discussing period pains became the norm).

Bella was a fan of the “tough love” approach. There was no small talk, no gentle patting of raw skin with a talcum powdered hand, only the sound of ripping hair and skin filled the tiny wax room. Bella started the waxing procedure with the same expression she ended it with: You have no idea what real pain is until you have lived in communist Russia you rich Yankee capitalist bitch.

My sister only completed one side before almost passing out at the sight of her own blood and telling Bella to stop. She uses Nair now and Nair only.

I’ve had various other white bread American girls as waxists and although sweet, full of small talk and equipped with a more caring touch than Bella, they also made it perfectly clear that this is a painful procedure that they themselves would have never partake in. And while I’m sure their intent was more of a “you’re a strong woman and your boyfriend is very lucky to have a girl that is willing to go through such pain and sacrifice for him” it actually felt more like “you’re a sorry excuse for a woman and a step back for feminism everywhere”.

And then there was the Hispanic woman I had in New York state who when I told her I didn’t just want a bikini wax (read: panties on) but a brazillian (read: full frontal) she looked at me in disgust and said she doesn’t do “underwear off”. Like I’m some closet case dirty lesbian that likes to flash my waxable privates to strange women wearing latex gloves. So she had to get her less prudish colleague to her dirty work for her while I was left spread eagle on the slab with my panties hanging off one ankle.

Then I moved to Paris and after a long fearful wait I finally made the horrific plunge of yet another new waxist (epillatrice). I found a very kind Vietnamese woman whose French was worse than my own. Unfortunately she accidentally cut me ( - yeah, down there) while doing a finishing trim. Her kind demeanour wasn’t enough to make me go back. As they say: Cut my vagina once, shame on you. Cut my vagina twice, shame on me.

My second waxist in Paris stuck. Quick, easy, and they used this silly putty-esque wax that hurt half as less as the others. Once I broke the ice with a simple “Desolee madame, mais il y a du boulot” everything was smooth sailing. Clean, fast, and practically pain free with no one making you feel ashamed or gay.

So now I again feel the familiar fear of putting myself in the hands of the unknown. In fact, I have yet to even see a spa or beauty parlour that advertises bikini waxes over in England and I have a hard time believing that every English chick over here goes au naturale. So if anyone knows of a good bikini waxer in England – hook me up. My boyfriend will thank you.

Hello Everyone. I would personally like to thank those of you who nominated us for the Bloggies. We’ve made it into the Best Podcast Category for our world-famous Girlspoke DrunkCastâ„¢. And now we need your votes. So go visit the 2006 Bloggies website and scroll down to Best Podcast of a Weblog and vote for us. This will inspire us to keep the quality content coming, and maybe, just maybe I could buy my writers new vibrators. (Listen bitches, I promise nothing.)

If you are here from the Bloggies website, welcome, have a seat, pour yourself a drink, take off your pants and check out a few of our DrunkCastsâ„¢.

Well, I hope you all enjoyed your little reprieve last week because, as usual, things are not looking very good in my crystal ball. I don’t mean the crystal ball itself. I Windex that thing daily; sometimes twice daily. But we’re not talking about my huffing addictions. We’re talking about your destinies. On that note, let’s just jump right in…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You need to settle down. I’m not sure exactly what’s going on, but I’m getting a fairly strong you’re a trashy whore reading for you this week. You may not be fucking around in the literal sense, but someone is getting fucked by you in some way. Know what I mean? It’s a metaphor. Do you even know what that is? Ok, how about just locking yourself in your room this week. Your mouth could use the rest. And bring some books. Your mind could use the exercise that the rest of your body has been getting.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You have GOT to stop telling those dirty jokes at work, dude. And that drunk driving gig is also a bit played. What I’m trying to say is that you should try the maturity suit on for size. I understand that streaking is a real trip, but it starts to get really gross after age—say, 22. You may not know it, but you’re being watched by some impressionable people. We’ve got enough people to scar the youth of America, so I think you should play for the home team. At least this week, when it really counts. Then you can go back to your regularly scheduled mud wrestling.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
This is sooo gonna be a good week for you, my Gem. Things are happening and change is on the horizon, but it’s all genearlly for the better. Remember that stress is part of the equation, so getting dramatic is an unnecessary buzzkill. If you’re concerned that you might not be able to handle the transitionary period very well, just allow extra time in your schedule for masturbation. An extra chunk of time in the morning should do it. And maybe a quickie at lunch. Oh, and then there’s the nighttime session; that could take a bit longer…

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You’ve been talking a lot, but there’s no bark to your bite. Or bite to your bark? Whatever. The point is that you have to start acting upon all those little things you bitch about (like, incessantly, by the way). Your friends want to help you, but not if you can’t even help yourself. And they’re starting to consider billing you for their companionship. Yeah, dude. It’s getting that bad. At least try having a convesation where you don’t talk about that same fucking thing you’ve been talking about for the past five years.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Wow. You have a lot of shit going on, don’t you? And we’re talking about some stressful issues, not just a schedule booked with lunches and dates. The thing is that you’re moving so fast that you don’t have time to realize that you’re on the edge of a breakdown. I’d strongly urge (as would your friends and co-workers, I’d imagine. They’re all a bit frightened by your manic behavior and are jokingly suggesting you stay away from sharp objects) that you take a day off this week and just do something fun. You know, something fun that doesn’t involve firearms.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
I’m sensing that you’ve got some medical issues on your plate. You need to remember to take care of yourself, jackass. Exercise isn’t just for the morbidly obese anymore. And all that diet soda is totally going to give you diabetes. Or cancer. Probably both. Learn to handle your stress too. That whole monthly meltdown thing you’ve got going on is not really effective even if it does get you some good pity sex.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Ok, so this might sound a little funny, but when I was getting your reading this week, all I could see was Laura Branigan singing Gloria. So, I’m thinking it can only mean that you need to watch your image this week. Maybe it’s the funky layers in your hair or the overuse of eyeliner. Quite possibly, it’s the fact that you’re a bit awkwardly put together but a great pop song is going to bring you riches. Regardless, you’re going to have that song stuck in your head, riiiiight….NOW.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I’m seeing a dark cloud over your head this week, Scorpio. And while I typically have to fight to resist my gag reflex when I see sad, blubbering individuals, I’m actually feeling for you a bit. You seem to be in a tight spot at the moment, and I think it’d have institutionalized stronger men by now. Congrats on surviving this long. But now, let’s make some moves. Severe, drastic action is called for. Wipe the slate clean, my friend. I hear Utah is a great place to, um, start over. Well, there’s the bigamy thing too, but mainly starting over.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Are you awake over there? You’re being entirely too quiet. I mean, people at work are starting pools for when you’re going to show up with a gun and just start firing. If something is bothering you, trolling around on the Internet is not going to solve anything. In fact, it’s probably just making matters worse. They can track your IP address, you know. In fact, I’m pretty sure you’re wanted in three states. Maybe laying low and keeping quiet is a good idea after all. It’s cool. I never saw you and I swear to God I won’t tell.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You’ve overlooked something and the results of that slick move are going to cause some problems for you this week. So, I’d start brainstorming for some good excuses now. But I’m clinically retarded! is always a good one. Oh, and I’m pretty sure you’re going to forget to zip your fly at some point this week, so make sure you do a status check before bathroom departure.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
This week you need to be on guard. You’ve put yourself in a bad position and someone is going to take advantage of your mistake. The worst part is that it’s probably someone you thought you could trust. But that’s the thing with you, moron. You can’t just love everybody. In fact, most of the world is comprised of morons. The quicker you learn this and put your love-is-all-you-need schtick to rest, the better you shall be, my hippie friend.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You know, you’ve actually been doing well for yourself lately, Pisces. You’re getting your shit in order, and it’s about fucking time. Just remember that no one is going to be patting you on the back; this is the kind of shit you should have been doing all along. If you get all mopey because you didn’t get that parade of congratulations you’d expected, all your efforts will have been for nothing. In essence, just suck it up and don’t be a little bitch. Your payoff will come. Be patient.

Ok, got all that? Be well, everyone. I mean, in case you hadn’t noticed, I do actually care about you all. Even if your tantrums, odd obsessions, and glaringly obvious mother issues are all terribly nauseating.

I know you are eagerly awaiting the latest installment of The Girlspoke DrunkCastâ„¢ but this week we have decided to mix things up a bit. Instead of the usual drunken debauchery we bring to you the musical version. Allow me to explain further. Every few weeks or so, or when we damn well feel like it, we will interupt our normal DrunkCastâ„¢ programming to bring to you a special audio listening for your pleasure segment.

This week I want to share with you my list of mood music. This doesn’t necessarily mean “in the mood” music, just mood music, so carry on….

*_{Embedded players have been removed to save bandwidth. Click images to go to songs.}

My Theme Song that I sing to myself in the mirror every morning:

Then there’s boredom which invariably turns to hunger.

And then when I’m feeling frisky…

And finally, my tendency towards irrational behavior.

girlspoke’s unsolicited bad-advice columnist

I’ve been scouring the blogosphere, as usual, looking for someone who needs my bad advice. Many of you are already chattering about Valentine’s Day, going on an on about what kinds of sweet and sexy things you and your honey have planned.

But what about those of you who aren’t seeing anyone? Are you simply planning on curling up in the fetal position with your fingers in your ears repeating La La La La La until Cupid has shot all his arrows, every last candy heart has been exchanged and eaten, and you’ve ridden out yet another loveless holiday? Or is this the year you are going to do something about being alone?

I’ve given my share of advice to women in the last few weeks. So this week, I’ll focus my attention on our lonely male readers who hope cupid will intervene and help them hook up this Valentine’s Day. Here are some tips just for you, buddies.

1
Score your next hottie in the dressing room as she tries on lingerie. Women will be out in droves during the coming weeks looking for the most-seductive lingerie to spice things up in the bedroom. Sure they are buying that lingerie to share with the men in their lives, but why should that stop you? You can win the hearts of these women in just a few easy steps.

Pick a local department store, then hang out in the lingerie section and pretend to be an employee. Help female shoppers make their selections. Follow them into the dressing room. Offer to measure them for their perfect bra size. Maybe even peek in the dressing room while they are changing, just to make sure they are doing OK. This strategy is guaranteed to turn heads and get you the attention you so crave from the ladies. At the very least, you’ll cop a feel or see a little T&A. But if you’re lucky, cupid will reward you bigtime for your extreme measures: Your attentiveness coupled with your ability to hook and unhook a bra will make these scantily clad women want to leave their men pronto and act out their V-Day fantasies with you.

Required Items: fake nametag, ugly department store employee attire (think brown polyester-blend pants), measuring tape, working knowledge of bra sizing and fit, ability to run fast in case store manager catches onto your game.

2
Give her your sweet stuff, and she’ll return the favor. Candy is always big on Valentine’s Day. Why don’t you buy a heart-shaped box of chocolates and hang out somewhere in public where lots of hot women spend their time? Like, I don’t know, maybe a college campus. Wait until you see an attractive co-ed, then open up the box and offer her a piece of chocolate. Ask something like, Would you like a piece of candy, pretty lady? or, even better, How about a little piece of my heart? Women can’t resist chocolate, even when it’s offered up by creepy strangers, and they certainly won’t be able to refuse your cute pick-up lines.

I suggest you wear a trench coat when you do this. It’ll add an air of mystery about who you are underneath. And show up in a beat-up van with tinted windows. As you hand them their piece of candy, make sure you tell each woman there’s more where that came from — and it’s all inside the van. Before the day is over, you are bound to have the ladies licking your chocolate-covered fingers and climbing into the back of your vehicle to see what’s under that sexy cloak of yours.

Required Items: chocolate candy in heart-shaped box (be ready to use box as face shield in case someone maces you or as groin shield in case someone knees you in balls), trench coat, cheesy pick-up lines, beat-up van, escape route in case someone calls cops on you.

3
Show her your redeeming qualities. You know those coupon books for lovers that bookstores stock this time of year — each coupon has a dirty sex act on it, you give the book to your partner, and your partner can cash in the coupons at any time? Buy one of those books and write your phone number on every coupon. Walk
around handing the coupons out to sexy women you see on the street. Hell, you can start passing them out in the bookstore if you like, right after you buy the book. (Give one to the cashier while you’re at it.) Let the women know all they have to do to receive the sex act described on the coupon is give you a call. You can even throw in that super-cool “Call Me” hand gesture. You know the one. I bet you use it all the time. Before you know it, your phone will be ringing off the hook. Oh, the beauty of this approach is you can even leave the coupons lying around in public places if you want. (The only problem with doing so is you won’t be able to control who picks them up and gives you a call, so things could get ugly.)

Required Items: sexy coupon book, cash to buy sexy coupon book, ability to withstand any slapping you may receive (but don’t let a little slapping deter you), working phone line, ability to do everything outlined in coupon book (we don’t want any false advertising, guys).

Even if this bad advice doesn’t get you laid, at least you’ll know you gave it your best shot. Before you know it, it will be February 15, and the entire not-so-sexy-and-not-so-romantic mess will be behind you, at least until next year.*

Now, get out there and grab Cupid by the balls,
Zoie

*That is, unless you’ve managed to create a criminal record for yourself in the process of carrying out the advice I’ve given you. While we’re on the topic, girlspoke and I are not responsible for any negative consequences — physical, legal or otherwise — that might result from actually talking this bad advice.

If you are currently experiencing a dating or sex problem, and you don’t want bad advice from Zoie, e-mail her at info@girlspoke.com. If you are unlucky, she may just give you some advice you haven’t asked for that could make your problem even worse.