So last night I went for dinner at the local pub-type place. It’s actually run by a true Irishman who deeply appreciates the fact I have a cousin who played professional soccer for Italy (cough, Zola, cough). Anyhow, between bites of bangers and mash and watching the Oakland A’s vs. Boston game a commercial came on the screen for Hummer. Now, let me preface this by saying first of all, I do not in any way shape or form like the Hummer, in fact since I moved East from the land out West I have not, will not, and refuse to own a car. I love knowing that I can get anywhere via public transport, regardless of the possible dangers or olfactory offenses. I love the subway.

Wow, how the hell did I get so off subject. Anyhow, so this commercial came on for Hummer and the tagline was, “Get your Girl on”. Woah, my first thought was, “Okay, cool, I run a site called Girlspoke, but that thought lasted about 1.2 seconds then the super critical bitch in me caught hold. What is it about Hummer that screams girl???

Now, we all know how critical I am of the advertising world but shit, marketing Hummers to chicks, that’s fucking low. I understand the obvious of marketing Hummers to men who want to get chicks, but straight marketing to women…hold on. Let me get this right, so you folks did your market research and it said chicks were the untapped resource for potential Hummer buyers, enough so that you produced a commercial and aired it during a MLB game? I understand nitch marketing, but hell why not air it on the WE channel during a marathon of Bridezilla?

Okay, so if a chick friend of mine came to me and said, “I’m thinking about buying a Hummer,” first I would have to question her Xanax doseage then I would seriously question why we are friends (Is it cause you have poop-loads of money to waste on a gas hog and always pay when we go out? Ok, cool then.) But come on folks, what’s it all about?

Enough about that.

Now, let’s talk about hummers. First of all, that car company stole one of the best slang terms for blowjob. Are you with me on this one? It’s high time we took the term back. I’m a hummer kinda gal. BJ’s rock. I was taught at fine young age the particular skill involved in giving (and enjoying) a well done BJ. I consider myself particularly skilled. Tongue swirl, and utilizing both hands, and spit…spit makes a hell of a difference. If your not spit enclined take some notes from my favorite porn star Eve Laurence. I mean, just the other day I was performing an excellent example of fellatial joy on a male counterpart and despite the fact that it was a hot humid saturday afternoon I believe I produced the essential amount of oral lubrication to his satisfaction…alright, I’ll shut up now that you’re all hot and bothered cause this is a family site after all, right? But goddamn, BJ’s r-o-c-k and fuck Hummer. Yeah! Oh, hell now I’m hot and bothered…I need to makes some phone calls.