I’m not a dumb girl. Quite intelligent, acutally. But there are so many things about this world that baffle me. I mean, I get it…this is a great big world that we’re not meant to fully comprehend. But, c’mon. Some things? Some things make me want to yell at people. Maybe it’s my lack of common sense; they say the book smarts create that see-saw effect after all, don’t they?

The thing is that I’m not talking about the obvious non-sensicals. Like why people listen to Eminem or why they wear socks with their Birkenstocks. I get it. Personal freedomk, yadda yadda yadda. What I’ve got is some monumental shit that very well may knock you off your axle for a mere moment. Brace yourselves (sure, grabbing your desk will do fine) and continue reading.

I’m bringing it to the proverbial table with the hopes that you can help me discern the existence of the following baffling phenomena. Thusly, here are my current top three, presented in glorious list format:

1. Why do men take so long to take a shit? Are they clogged up? Are they masturbating? Does it take a while to get things moving? Wouldn’t you rather spend that time doing something else? From my experience, I think it’s got something to do with an “alone time” that doesn’t equate to cranking one out. And, is it me or is it slightly disturbing to think that such alone time should take place not only in the bathroom, but while one is pantless and vulnerable.

2. When you’re dying your hair, there is a step that invariably–regardless of brand–appears toward the end of the process. Before you rinse all that gooped chemical from it’s neat pile on the top of your head, you’re supposed to add a little water and work into a lather. And then you rinse it. What the fuck is that supposed to do? Was the ammonia and other shit not effective enough? Pretending that you’re now simply using it as a potent shampoo product is going to trick it into, like, finishing it’s attack on your follicles or something? What?

3. Why do construction vehicles have gigantic, blaze-orange signs instructing everyone to its posterior that we should not follow it? I mean, we’re not retarded (well…most drivers aren’t) enough to follow a dump truck down a gravel road or some shit. Do they think that these trucks put people into trances or something? You don’t see us losing sight of what we’re doing and suddenly involved in a high speed chase because–oops!–we followed a state trooper, do you?

Just try to roll those over in your mouth a bit and see if the ceiling doesn’t cave in. Ok, maybe this really isn’t ceiling-caving material, but it bothers me, ok? It really, really bothers me.