My manfriend recently took an online IQ test and has been gloating ever since. Just the other day, he made a fairly astute observation about something-or-other and before I had a chance to give him props, that smirk flickered at the corner of his mouth, “Must be my 136 at work.”

Lord.

The thing is, I started taking the damn thing right after him, but it kind of fell to pieces when, after question, like three, he saw that I’d pulled up the computer calculator.

“Hey! That’s cheating!”
Well, fuck. I closed my laptop. “Forget it then.”

I remember taking an IQ test when I was a chubby kid in elementary school and being told that it was around 140. But now that I know more about intelligence–namely my own–I’m not so sure I can trust this hazy recollection.

So a few days later, I’m tempted to take the damn thing again. Plopped on my couch, I sit and debate in silence, with a bit of E! TV droning on in the background. I play it over in my mind. What if I score lower? Or, worse–better!? I mean, my man is manly in every sense of the word and I just don’t know if his bruised ego would be worse than his inflated one.

Then…faintly in the background I hear those two letters…IQ…coming from the TV set.

Just for reference, E! had been doing a show on Hollywood’s Sugar Daddies and James Woods is currently being profiled. They’d just finished talking about how he fucked his best friend’s daughter for a few years or so, when she was 19 and he, about 102. Anyway, I missed the transition, but now they were talking about his IQ. This fucker was casually talking about his score of 180! Fuck that, Woody! You mean you’re smarter than Einstein, my fair weathered actor? *That* must be what your young ladies are drawn to, eh? Not the money roll that you use to pad your shorts!

I mean, did no one else hear this? We’re just taking his word for it?! Fuck that shit! Put that dirtbag on Maury Povich and get a polygraph running or something! Seriously, let’s just drop the whole system if Woody-McFucks-a-Teen can spew such nonsense without raising any suspicion. 180 my ass!

If James damn Woods is pushing 200, then does it even matter if I’m in the 130-140 range? I think this just about settles the little situation between my manfriend and myself. We’re both relative retards. Fuck.