I have potty mouth and when amongst friends, when my comfort level is at its highest; I tend to channel a drunken sailor on shore leave and say some things that are inappropriate to say the least, like: ‘Oh, suck my cock!’ It causes the odd mouth to drop, but most of the time it just makes the room erupt in laughter at the sheer absurdity of it all as I am quite obviously a female — one who makes no secret of being proud of her pretty pussy.

After shouting it out earlier, it got me to wondering what it would be like if I did have a penis. I don’t mean that I thought about it in the serious and tragic way that a hermaphrodite might have to, but more in the same perverted manner that I do everything else.

Boy oh boy! What I would do if I had a dick! Let’s discuss, shall we?

If I had penis:

- I’m not sure I’d ever leave home or get much done!

- My carpal tunnel syndrome would become aggravated to the point of debilitation. Yes, from wanking off.

- I would invest the time and energy into advanced Pilates and yoga classes in order to become so flexible that I could suck it myself—something I am stunned more men don’t do.

- I’d most definitely be one of ‘those’ guys, you know the ones; a little creepy and always a little flushed and sweaty, constantly “adjusting” their crotch. The kind of guy whose hand is always kinda damp when you shake it.

- I would save on birthday and Christmas gifts for my female friends and just fuck em’ all properly instead. The keyword being “properly”. Lord knows that I would know what a woman wants a cock to do.

- I’d surely be arrested for indecent exposure and lewd acts, because lets face it: as a sex writer, I am aroused about 20 hours out of my day. Hiding a warm puddle in your panties is a lot easier than trying to hide a permanent boner—especially the mammoth one that I would have. (I’m guessin’ if my tits are this big, then certainly my dick would be too)

- I’d also probably end up in the ER on more than one occasion having tried to twist and bend it in hopes of finding a way to fuck myself. (This could explain the long waits in ER’s across the country)

I think penises are wasted on the wrong people. I’m not talking about all men of course—I love men waaaay too much to bash em’ all. I’m just talking about the ones who don’t do them any justice. What’s the point in having it if you have no clue how to use it properly?

I’d be a proper-sex philanthropist; traveling the world over and fucking women the way we deserve to be fucked: long, hard and delicious.

Oh! I’d also return calls… maybe.