I know that many of you come here looking for my usual rants on my love and sex life… ok, my sex life, but today I’ve got something else to bitch, bitch, bitch about: Marie Osmond’s collapse. I know, you’re thinking who cares? Right? Well, I don’t really either which is why the constant mention of it on television lately drives me fucking nuts!

I don’t really sit down to watch TV unless I am too sick to write or am hosting a scary movie night with cocktails, but I do sometimes like to have the television on as background noise when I am working in order to drown out the sounds from the inconsiderate loud talkers in the laundry room across the hall from my apartment. In recent days, I swear that every newscast, entertainment show or commercial for either/or has started with a headline in a dramatic and disturbed tone saying something to the effect of: “America’s sweetheart collapses! A look at what caused her dramatic collapse on live television!” or “We’ve got the scoop on the real issue that caused Marie Osmond to collapse live on television” and: “Find out what really caused Marie Osmond’s collapse”

The urgency in the announcer’s voice is enough to make me stop writing and turn my head even if only for a millisecond. If that isn’t irritating enough, they role the clip, then a replay, then another and then a fucking slow-mo play by play with more dramatic music and urgent words followed by a whole lot of speculation as to what possible “hidden condition” could have caused the faint and how the divorce she is going through may have played a role, blah, blah, barf. Naturally, the most commonly speculated cause for her little fainting spell remains her Nutri-System diet which has now slowly morphed into a “possible eating disorder”. Wtf?

I’m here to set the record straight so we can all return to our lives 2007 BC—‘Before Collapse’. First, I have been on Nutri-System and I can tell you that the amount of food I ate on the program is more than I eat when I am not dieting, so if Nutri-System is considered some sort of eating disorder, I would have to guess that it is of the over-eating or binge variety as the calorie count they enforce is far greater than what is considered starvation. As for the divorce? Come on! She got dumped—shit happens! If I passed out every time a man fucked me over I would spend even more time on my back than I already do!

Even Marie Osmond’s response as to why she passed out irks the crap out of me! I got sucked into watching ET where she gave her “exclusive interview since the dramatic collapse” and nearly threw up in my mouth when she played into all of the hype and speculation and had a little pity party for herself by stating that it has to do with this trying time in her life. This irks me because, as someone who has had her share of fainting spells (dramatic collapses that have horrified fellow gym-goers!), I find the real reason so obvious! Watch any channel at any given time today and at some point they are bound to show the “dramatic footage” again (and again and again…), and when they do, pay attention to her breathing and expression just before she collapses. She is breathing way to quickly and trying really hard to keep her cool. Hello! Rapid breathing/hyperventilation often causes fainting. The woman had just danced her ass off, maybe couple that with a little anxiety as well as God knows what happy pills she may have been abusing since the 70’s and voila—dramatic collapse!

Now can we please, oh please go back to more important celeb news like Britney’s pooter flashing and paparazzi hit and runs or Paris’ missionary work??