I am pleased to report that amidst all of the horrible things that have happened in the last month; I am headed back to the friendly skies at the end of this week! That’s right my little perverts; I will now be the Sex Writing Flight Attendant—or “Stewardess” as we were so affectionately referred to greasy men with handlebar moustaches in the pornos of the seventies.

Actually, I have to admit that it was the politically incorrect stereotype and portrayal of “stewardesses” that fueled my dream to become one when I was growing up. How could I not be enticed by Jack Tripper and Larry Dallas biting their hands and popping boners in their tight-in-the-crotch white slacks at the sheer mention of the word “stewardess” in episodes of Three’s Company?? There was something glamorous and downright sexy about it all, no?

The reality of the actual job itself—not so glamorous—not the duties anyway. You have to really love dealing with the public (which I do) to be okay taking barf bags or dirty diapers from the moms who are oblivious to certain child-related smells and hand them to you to dispose of. And serving coffee on a 6am flight when you haven’t even yet had the chance to get your fix?? Not fun and definitely takes a certain kinda’ wonderful to deal with. And also, going over all of the potential emergencies that may arise before you board the flight and knowing that you will need to resist the urge to jump ship and instead stick around to help others should anything go wrong? NOT for the weak or the selfish, that’s for sure! These things almost made me wonder why I would do this again but then I thought about all of the Jack’s and Larry’s of the world and felt I owed it to them and to myself to keep the stereotype alive—at least to a degree.

I vow to enjoy this time around more than the last which shouldn’t be hard now that I am in essence single. I will stay away as long as I possibly can by taking any layover I can get and not worry that I am offending anyone back home with my self-inflicted absence. I will not retire to bed early and be a good girl when the rest of my crew is at the bar enjoying a stiff drink on a cold Halifax night while on a layover and I will flirt shamelessly (and harmlessly) as I enjoy said drink(s)! I will continue to smile at the passengers even when refereed to as a “stupid bitch” or similar and will remember no matter how long and tedious the day gets that life is what you make it and nobody is responsible for your bad mood but you… not even the loud mouthed douche-bag who is somehow convinced that I am responsible for the plane having gone mechanical and decides to share her bullshit opinion with the entire cabin!

Also, to you: the Larry’s, Jacks and sporter’s of the orgy-man/Burt Reynolds-style handlebar moustaches; I vow to work my uniform and inappropriately high heels to the max and satisfy the eyes of those who like a whole lotta junk in the trunk and fancy some curves (and rolls!) in a fitted airline uniform. Yes, I vow to be what all of your perverted dreams are made of… without ever actually being more than your dream.

Good luck to all of my new classmates! xo