Dear Men Who Date and Aspire to Date Model Behavior,

Question: Do you think I wear stiletto boots over my jeans and a sexy lace underwear when going about my normal daily activities like grocery shopping, trekking through the city’s sleet storm, and sprinting between appointments?

Do you think I’m magically manicured and waxed all the time because I’m addicted to pain and have an emotional connection with my non-English speaking manicurist from Taiwan?

No. No, you probably do not. Because hopefully if I’m attempting to date you you’re not THAT stupid.

Why then, do men seem to think its okay to plan dates giving me two hours or even twenty minutes notice?

This is unacceptable.

Example: Saturday I received a phone call from a gentleman I’d actually like to see. The man had a plan – big dinner with mutual friends, party afterward.

Fabulous, right?

WRONG.

Because he called me at 6:30 P.M. the night of. Let me clarify that I’m a chick who’s totally open to last minute things. I hate ‘reservations’ of any kind. Especially, for brunch. I’m easygoing about where we go and I usually even offer to pay. When last minute things work out, I love it. The problem is that last minute in New York usually works out two times out of ten. If seeing each other is a priority, there needs to be a plan.

Weather factors in too. This isn’t easygoing summer anymore where you can slip on flip flops and be out the door showcasing your beautiful tan and walk to meet up with friends with ten minutes notice. Sadly, those days have passed. We’re in anal-retentive winter now. Right now, we’re in what I call the winter crunch. This period between Thanksgiving and Christmas is a whacked-out work-fest for most of us. Stress is high. Temperatures are low. Time is more precious than ever. It’s dark at freakin’ five o’clock.

So when you call me out of the blue to make dinner plans at six thirty PM on a Saturday night in December, it’s a struggle for me to just appreciate the gesture. New York isn’t the real world. I tend to plan with even my closest friends three days out. We’re all just that busy.

Doesn’t my date understand that?

He’s busy too!

And this is when I start to get suspicious. Was I number three on a list of “possible dates” he already called? Is he expecting me to be that pushover girl who’s always available at a moments notice? A girl who rushes to get ready, nicks herself shaving in the shower and shows up panting but pretending she didn’t just do the beauty equivalent of the 100-yard dash.

IS THAT WHAT HE THINKS I AM!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!

Men, take note: Even the simple, thoughtful task of asking a women out to dinner with you and your friends has the ability to enrage her.

Since I have a life, and by six thirty in the evening already had plans for Saturday night, we didn’t end up seeing each other. Granted, I was disappointed. But I can’t rearrange my life last second for someone who doesn’t have the common courtesy to call me at 3:30 PM instead of 6:30 PM. With the advanced notice of a 3:30 call this story might have had a happy ending. I’m sure a spectacular evening would’ve ensued.

Instead, I remain dateless, bitter, and wondering what number I was on my gentleman’s potential “push over date list.”

Get with the program guys. Women will thank you…and you’ll thank yourself when you see the hot undergarments we’ve had time to specially prepare and change into.

It’s a win-win situation.

What happened to the teenaged girl who used to look for any excuse to write a love letter and just couldn’t get enough of romantic comedies with über-cheesy endings? The same girl who just could not comprehend how her friends could sleep with someone that they weren’t in love with? I miss her. Somewhere along the way this overly romantic and ever-optimistic-about-love girl grew a great big set of balls and apparently a dick that has made her more of a man than the actual men she dates! Wtf??

I used to love the whole afterglow that followed great sex and that sheer bliss of reveling in the yumminess of the person lying next to me as our bodies lay there sweaty and deliciously spent. Now the moment the sex is over—no matter how great the guy is—I just wanna bolt! I’m the one who turns and says “well that was great, but I have an early day tomorrow so you better go” or the one who slinks out the moment he’s in a deep sleep with nothing more than a peck on the cheek and a quick “I’ll call you” even though I probably won’t. This is not to say at all that I am some major player who is getting a ton of action or anything; my good set of European-made morals stops me from having too much casual sex, but being with my most recent beau has just made me acutely aware of my ‘manliness‘! Do I blame a lack of worthy men or my own deep-seeded commitment phobia that I still deny more often than not?

I recall an early episode of Sex and the City where Carrie decides that she is going to try to “have sex like a man”. It worries me that I am not even trying and yet, somehow, I seem incapable of anything more these days. If I’m not mistaken though; this same episode ended with Carrie meeting Big for the first time as she left the apartment of her conquest. I guess there may be hope for me yet… or atleast a really sexy, commitment phobic male version of myself.

Just when you thought it was safe to go it without a condom you catch the bastard in the biggest lie possible! Let’s just say that the ’sexy prof’ I’ve been bangin’ is really just an illusion and the reality is that he’s a dad—a spineless, despicable one who lies about having a child at all! He is also quite possibly a husband to some poor, unsuspecting wife who isn’t internet savvy enough to catch him in his lies (Google is a wonderful and powerful thing!!) or she could be just as sick as he is and be just fine being in a loveless marriage filled with adultery, deceit and God knows what else.

In the heat of the moment and considering that we’ve had several; I actually toyed with the idea of some bareback fun. Luckily he took the high road for a change and reminded me why that was a bad idea, stating ‘unwanted pregnancy’ as the worst case scenario when really the worst case would involve some nasty funk—only he knows what is likely lurking beneath the surface of his foreskin and whatever that may be; I certainly don’t want it!

Now that I am done ranting I guess I’m glad that it happened because it’s made me remember the importance of condoms no matter how long you’ve been involved with someone because sadly, you really just never know what they could be hiding from you. My momentary lapse in judgement could have left me a number of horrific little diseases! This of course got the wheels turning on the whole issue of safe sex and what a drag it may seem when you are in the throws of passion and not even with that person inside of you do they feel close enough, so I am on the quest to find the best condom(s) possible. My search led me to a place called Condom Jungle. I can’t help it; the name got me with its visions of some crazy-ass monkey-lovin’ and all. I never actually thought to order condoms online which is odd since I still get pink-faced at the thought of buying them after an incident I in Europe a few years back that left me traumatized! Let’s just say that the grocery store had microphones at each checkout station in case the cashier needed a price check. Naturally the “Playboy brand, super-ribbed condoms” weren’t priced properly… Nuff’ said.

Anyway, this site carries an endless amount of condom brands, styles, flavors, so how’s a girl to choose?? I have to be honest; I have only ever once actually bought a box of condoms since that faithful European vacation and they are my back up in case the guy doesn’t come prepared, though technically my motto is: if the guy doesn’t come prepared, then he doesn’t deserve to come at all.

Anyway, the site has so much variety that I actually feel inept as an alleged modern/sex-positive woman and so-called sex writer! Did you know that they have ‘warming condoms’?! Is this a new thing?? And lambskin condoms? Wtf?? I also found out that they really do come in larger sizes for those of us lucky to have a guy who is hung like a mule, though past experience tells me that most men who believe they need an extra large condom can usually barely fill the regular size no-name variety found in truck stop or strip joint restrooms. (Yes J, that one’s for you!)

Anyway, what normally has ended up happening is that I never really get to see the brand that is being used due to the hazy and often euphoric state that good sex leaves one in, so I really don’t know much about brands except what they say on the box though, I doubt that they all “double your pleasure” or “feel like they’re barely there”. So what I would like is some suggestions from my readers who are more condom savvy than I to email (Adrie@girlspoke.com) or leave a comment telling me what brand you swear by and why. I may even make it worth your while with a sexy giveaway to a random commenter–likely a cool sex toy)

Consider this my safe sex public service announcement as well as advice on where to order cheap condoms. In return I ask for your help on finding the best and thinnest condom ever, cuz as we know; nothing kills the mood more than a thick condom that seems to pull at your skin with each thrust! Fucken ouch!!!