Late on a weekday night, I found myself at my friend’s elegant New York apartment enjoying a cup of herbal tea after an utterly uninteresting night out. We’ll call my friend Rio because his background includes a decade long stay in Brazil, as well residence in several other South American countries. As we sunk into the sofa listening to Portuguese love songs we got to discussing (surprise surprise) the enigma that is male-female relationships.

“Describe sexy,” he prompted me.

I went on to pause, gather my thoughts and illustrate sexy as:

“Confident, independent, and strong.”

“Interesting,” he replied. “Because I’d describe sexy as vulnerable, dependant and warm.”

Thus ensued a conversation in which we dissected our theories about the difference between Italo-Latin and American love.

In a nutshell, Rio made the point that Brazilian woman are experts at being feminine – they’re used to relying on men. They constantly ask men to do things for them with the charm of a child and males relish in attending to their every need since it makes men feel ‘like the shit.’ Interesting, right? Because as girls growing up in America the mantra is that we can do everything ourselves, should strive for utter independence, and never rely on men for anything. Ever. To which Rio responded:

“You’re never going to keep a man like that. Okay, you’re never going to keep a Latin man like that. Men stick with the woman who makes him feel like he’s ‘the man.’ He wants you to ask him to do things for you.”

“Wouldn’t I be bothering him?”

“Are you kidding? If he loves you and can fulfill your needs that’ll be the high point of his day. That’s the feeling he’s going to crave and come back for: Validation of his worth.”

Me: “I guess that does explain why so many guys I like end up with stupid, silent, needy lapdog girlfriends.”

Rio: “Those girls aren’t as stupid as they look. They’ve learned to use their feminine vulnerability to keep men. Again, if I want someone independent who didn’t need me I could hang out with my co-workers. That isn’t what male-female relationships are about.”

“But don’t you want a best friend? An equal?”

“Best friend, yes. An equal…”

“OMG this so wrong.”

“No, no, no. You’re misunderstanding. Yes, an equal. But American women often seem so busy proving their independence that they miss out on the whole tango of love that’s about how men and women fundamentally need each other.”

“You just said ‘tango,’ didn’t you?”

“Why would I be interested in a woman who doesn’t need me?”

“I thought men liked the unattainable. That they like to chase things.”

“True. But once he’s got you, he doesn’t want to hear about other guys and how ‘independent’ of a superwoman you are.”

“So basically I gotta get vulnerable, when my life mission since puberty has been to never appear vulnerable.”

“Yeah. And get feminine.”

I gesture to my outfit, “I am feminine!”

“You look feminine. But you don’t act it. You’re so guarded.”

“Because men are assholes!”

“You came in here and just made yourself your own tea. You never even asked me if I wanted some.”

“You were in the other room. And since when do non-British guys like tea?”

“Being feminine means focusing on the five senses. Scent, smell, touch. Slow down! Enjoy life. Be caring like a mother, innocent and playful like a little girl.”

“Gross.” I stop to think, “I have no idea how to do that.”

“Americans get divorced cause they got it all wrong. Women are meant to be feminine. Embrace it. Use it in your work life too. You’ll get ahead and manipulate men even better. Doesn’t mean you aren’t smart.”

“Does this femininity project mean I can’t talk and make jokes? I mean, that’s a big part of my personality. I verbally run a mile a second.”

“Of course, be yourself. Although at least at the beginning, with women, less is more.”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”

“You act the way you do right now and go to where you’re going on Brasil, not one guy is going to talk to you.”

“That would be tragic.”

“Cater. Ask him to do things for you. Play along. If he loves you, he’ll feel great accomplishing your tasks. He doesn’t pull through, means he’s not into you. Men will slay lions for the woman they love. They won’t make dinner reservations, but they’ll slay lions.”

“Okay. Let’s try: Rio, will you drive me to JFK when I leave next Monday?”

Rio: “Absolutely fucking not.”

Off my twisted face –

“The asking to do stuff doesn’t include airport transfers.”

Me: “Huh. Good to know.”

Yet another theory to stuff in my carry on.

Those who want to learn more should be directed to the simultaniously ingenious and ridiculous concept of wikiHow which actually has an article about how to be feminine. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t skim it.