So, my crystal ball is on the fritz this week. As crazy psychics are prone to do, I panicked and promptly threw it against the wall. It took out a lamp and may have concussed my dog before shattering all over my den floor. Needless to say, I had to improvise a bit for this week’s installment of Horospoke. Tarot cards are not my style, nor is reading your tea leaves. Of course, the fact that none of you are within physical distance to participate in such an intimate reading was yet another obstacle. What’s a girl to do? Yeah, you guessed it; I got drunk. I drank white wine, vodka tonics, and some obscure bitter-tasting-yuppie beers. Then I finished it off with a shot of tequila.

And then.
Then, it hit me.

It needs no further introduction. Get to know your fellow Horospokians. You have much to learn from each other. Probably much to hate and/or lust after as well. Let’s get it on, bitches.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
My darling Aries. You look better this week, which is good. I mean, I was thinking of contacting your cardiologist. As far as the situation you’re handling with that on-again/off-again friend, you have two options. If your urges to resist are simply causing too much heartburn, then obviously you need to act upon your desires (GO TO GEMINI). On the other hand, your conscience is probably wooing you strongly in the opposite direction. If you can control yourself, take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back (GO TO PISCES).

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus, you have a shit-ton of unnecessary drama surrounding you this week. In fact, I’m concerned that you may not be handling things too well. Here’s the deal: you are forgetting to take care of yourself and those that love you. Try to stop worrying about the ones that are creating tension in your life and plan a nice evening of partying and hot sex. Why don’t you go to that hardcore concert next weekend (GO TO LIBRA) or perhaps just hit up the liquor store and that Mom & Pop video rental place that still has the “back room” (THE END. You’ve just run into your sibling perusing the Debbie Does Collection and get too flustered to grab any porn. You pound the vodka back in the car and get arrest for DWI on the way home).

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Damn, you are on fucking fire! While you may still have some minor details to figure out, a lot of your plans are falling into place at long-last. Now is not the time for modesty, so take the moment for what it is: the prelude to your fifteen minutes of fame. Of course, you could fuck things up more easily that you might think. What to do? Be prepared for an intimate and productive encounter. And we all know that being prepared means buying some new underwear. Are you going to head over to H&M? (GO TO TAURUS.) Or would you rather see what LaPerla has in its bargain racks? (GO TO LEO.)

Cancer (June 22-July22)
Ok Cancer, this is going to be one of your best weeks in a while. Just think, family and friends, turkey and gravy, and maybe even some football and porn. You’re finally out of your dark pool of self despair, even if it’s momentary. So, we’re gonna run with this and see if we can get those endorphins to carry you through the entire Holiday Season. I would recommend something fully festive, like creating your own holiday–sorry Blogmukah is already taken–and getting all Martha Stewart on the homefront (GO TO SAGITTARIUS) or possibly signing up to be one of those scary Salvation Army bell ringers (GO TO AQUARIUS).

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Ok, so maybe you’re not the big gigantic hairy ass that I’ve been making you out to be. Well, hairy maybe, but not gigantic. This week, you are going to be a bit more mellow than usual, and I hope you are able to decompress enough to enjoy it. If you have been misleading with your best friend, you should probably use this time to expose yourself. Not in public, of course. Gonna get all sensitive and sweet as you bear your, um, soul? (GO TO ARIES.) Or would you rather just drop-trau and moon me? (THE END. Girlspoke Security has blocked your IP address for unsportsmanlike conduct. Profuse apologizing and asskissing may reverse your charges.)

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You’re not one to mope, typically, so try not to let this week get the best of you. In fact, what you are interpreting as a dry spell may just be the abstract vacation that you’ve been needing all along. Emotional strength can be one of your strongest assets, but you may have been feeling blah as of late. Choose one of the following activities in order to resist falling into a dangerous comfort zone: entice some married men to ogle you and throw fifty-dollar bills at you simply for being incredibly hot (GO TO CANCER) or maybe just tell that certain someone off; he (or is it a she?) totally needs to be grounded, and you’re the perfect person to bring ‘em down. (GO TO CAPRICORN.)

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Be careful, my Libra. You are feeling really happy and all that great shit, but getting too sunshine & lollipops! is dangerous (not to mention annoying as fuck). You have some really big things that need to be taken care of. Sometimes it’s good to be detached, if only to get your shit in line. Remember that you can only be as happy as you make yourself. Or something like that. I’m not a fucking poet. So, either take your phone off the hook and lock yourself in the library (GO TO GEMINI) or throw caution to the wind and tell me to fuck off (THE END. No one talks to Jenna that way, you little bitch.)

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You are totally bumming out over something that isn’t going as you’d planned. Just try to remember that you are smarter than them, so they’re obviously the ones that fucked up. With the holidays approaching, you’re also feeling slightly tense, aren’t you? Well, call me crazy (I’m just kidding. Don’t call me anything, or I’ll beat your ass like a Libra), but I think that things will actually be different this year. Feel yourself boiling up and about to blow your load? Try to relax with some spiked EggNog (GO TO TAURUS). Or, if you’re not the raw-egg-guzzlin’ type, then make yourself a White Russian and watch Scarface (GO TO VIRGO).

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You are so kickass, my Sagittarius. Seriously. Remember that when I tell you that there are a lot of people that are annoyed with you right now. Wait, before you get pissed or start crying, I just hope you realize that they’re hatin’ the player instead of the game. And we all know how incredibly fucked up and unfair that is, right? Right! Keep your head up this week and don’t let those little bitches get you down. Your totally prettier than them, anyway. What’s that? Oh, you’re welcome! (GO TO VIRGO.) Oh, you said I know I am. Duh!? Right. My bad. (THE END. Go to Hell.)

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
This week might feel a bit overwhelming and even depressing, but you’re underestimating your resilience. In fact, you’re underestimating yourself a lot lately. I’m not sure how to encourage you to snap out of this aside from cursing you out, so I’ll try to suggest some activities instead. You deserve an ego boost. How about you go to Hooters (GO TO PISCES) and indulge in some of those infamous wings, or maybe just Google yourself. If someone else has brought more fame to your name than you have, just pretend you’re that person for a few days (GO TO SAGITTARIUS).

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Listen, my watery friend. You’re kind of all over the map this week. I’m not sure if you’re stressed or just trying to please someone that isn’t receptive. Either way, you’re not being effective. I would suggest taking out your journal and trying to write a bit. You need to regroup and refocus your energies. Shit, you may even come up with something good this time! Feel like writing some music or poetry? (GO TO LIBRA.) Or maybe you’re feeling the need to write some witty hatemail instead (GO TO LEO). Either way, do it up. You haven’t written much since you broke your bong, so try to make up for lost time.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Sometimes you sense that the world is overly dark and painful. If you’ve been balancing this out by detaching yourself emotionally, you’re going to run into some problems this week. It’s only a matter of time before the pressure builds up and you flip out on your friend for saying something harmless. Seriously, forgetting to thank the Toll Collector on the highway is no reason to proclaim that you’d rather walk home than ride with such an ungrateful bitch. Have a conversation to put some issues on the table (GO TO CANCER). Otherwise, you’re going to be called out for the psychotic person you’ve become (GO TO SCORPIO).

If you manage to fuck up your destiny this week, you’ve only yourself to blame.

Ok, my starry-eyed loves. I apologize for the delay in revealing your destiny. But I happen to be in Georgia, ok? GEORGIA. Yeah. Exactly. So, without further adieu…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re continuing to appear off-kilter, my sweet, psychotic Aries. I mean, do you see a therapist? Take any of those little blue pills? Self-medicate with massive amounts of red wine? I would suggest taking some deep fucking breaths this week. Your family and friends love you to death, for some strange reason, but their patience is running thin. With the holidays approaching, try to relax a little bit. Otherwise, there’s going to be one of those massive family feuds that results in months of rumors and backstabbing and silent treatments, and…oh, hell. That’s all probably going to happen anyway.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I have a feeling that you have been slightly irritable this week. Frustrated? On edge? Having weird dreams about your distant aunt? Well, maybe the culprit is your far-sightedness. You’re dwelling far too much on that which is miles away. So, let’s work together, shall we? I propose that you create some kind of self-shocking device, complete with some kind of retina programming and definitely lots of leatherand straps. Wear it at all times when in the privacy of your own home. You should probably be naked, too. I’m not sure exactly how this will help you, but isn’t dressing up fun?

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
You’re a bit overwhelmed this week, but as long as you maintain your confidence, things should work out perfectly. Of course, people love to keep the twins down, so be prepared for opposition. In fact, I’d suggest getting all renagade on their asses. Let’s visit the Army-Navy surplus store and get hog-wild. With proper hardcore attire and your already powerful persona, no one will fuck with you. Unless of course you’re into that kind of thing. If that’s the case, maintain your military stance and I’ll send in the gimps, one by one. Just give me the sign, k? They’re primed and ready…AJ! GET OVER HERE!

Cancer (June 22-July22)
This week will bring you a sense of contentment. I’m not sure if this is exactly a good thing, though. You need to remember that no one loves a blubbering sob story. No, not even your mom. So if you’re feeling sorry for yourself, ball up. You’re a big kid now and life is not really going to get much better than it is now. Shit, that didn’t help, did it? Are you fucking crying? Dude, please. Fuck. I’m sorry. Ok. I’ll be the one person to placate you this week. Send me emails at jenna@girlspoke.com. Life will get better. All those meanies will stop taking you for granted, I swear. I can’t lose another one, for fuck’s sake, so don’t do anything rash.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo, you are going to have so much fucking fun this week. In fact, I dare say that you will be so overwhelmed with fun that you will be humbled by two striking women with amazing writing skills. You may even feel the urge to dedicate a book to them. Resist that urge, though. Stick with naming them in the Thank You section. Remember that you are only as hot and amazingly kickass as those who surround you. Keep your posse as cool as those two, and you’ll be flying high. Try to stay humble this week. At least long enough to fool those who are watching closely.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You’ve been working hard toward something and the rewards are still beyond your line of sight. Remembering the importance of that goal is critical. If you don’t step back and treat yourself along the way, you’re going to burn out, wasting your time, effort, and resources. Spending time with a close friend seems to be the best way to decompress. Dust off that bottle of wine you’d been saving–people, alcohol is not meant to be saved! It’s here to save you!–and settle in for a night of old-school chatter. There are lots of stories that you’ve been missing out on, and you need to keep on top of your gossip. But take some advil and drink a glass of water before you pass the fuck out. You have to work tomorrow, remember?

Libra (September 23-October 22)
This week, you’re back on top. Your body, brain, and other, ahem, biological elements, are in a state of extreme efficiency. You must take advantage of this surge in productivity. I suggest the following regiment: Day One, bucketloads of sex. Did you see that article in Cosmo? It’s time to try some of those things out, hotstuff. Don’t be shy. Day Two, some major breakthroughs at the proverbial office. Flaunt it, sweetcheeks. You’ll get it if you demand it. Day Three, umm, let’s just go back to Day One and repeat as desired. Don’t forget lubrication. It’s the nectar of the gods.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
An excellent opportunity is on your plate and you need to weigh all the factors carefully. Before you jump into things, remember that you have the power to negotiate. Two weeks’ vacation can easily become four, with three paid. A twenty minute lap dance can be extended for half the price if you work your charm. Quite simply, you just need to remember that you’re not one to be jerked around. Unless of course, she’s incredibly fucking hot with warm, smooth hands. You’re in charge here, so start acting like it. Don’t be such a little bitch.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You know, sometimes when people are talking about you, it means you should pay attention to what they’re saying. You’re not acting yourself this week, and it’s going to raise some eyebrows. In fact, maybe it’s going to raise more than just an eyebrow. If you’re feeling frisky, run with it. Of course, watch where you’re going. If you’re blindly looking for a party, those whispers will include words like “skank,” “STD,” and perhaps even “so fucking drunk.” Let’s aim for the more prestigious buzz words: “animal,” “insatiable,” and “incredibly fucking hot.”

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Man, I don’t think you got the hint last week. You’re still holding onto something that should be released, Capricorn. I’m not sure if it’s your job, your love interest, or some rockstar that you’re still convinced you can bag. Return to the world of logic before you get trapped up in this neverending reverie. People are starting to wonder about you, and you’re already weird enough without their rumors running about. Put on a nice suit and make an impression at the next meeting, business or sexual. Reminiscing about the migh-have-beens is totally making you look gay. Even if you are gay already.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
This week, you’re unusually chipper. You probably don’t even know why, but let’s see where it takes you. I’m envisioning a frolic in the field, possibly in the nude, while blowing some bubbles. No? No good? Ok, how about a trip to the zoo with lots of cotton candy and big-ass lollipops? Strike two? Jesus. Ok, let’s see…fuck. I think maybe you should just tone down your cheery, hippie, freaky pleasure spell. Because I don’t think anyone, including yourself, is prepared to see you naked, with a lollipop, dancing to the Grateful Dead.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
This week is going to leave you feeling conflicted, I think. You’re in a really happy spot at the moment, but you’re about to experience one of your signature mood spells. Try not to get too emotional, though. It’s always likely that you’re overreacting on any given subject or event. In fact, if you don’t start taking things for face value, I’ll have to slap you in the neck. Yes, the neck. It’s never an expected place to be struck, and, thus, much more effective. Do not make your hot astrologer bitch-neck slap you. Becuase I totally fucking will.

I speak the truth, my sexy bitches, so try not to complain. If you’re not happy with your horospoke, use the Contact Us form to voice your concerns. From there, it will be reviewed by a group of strikingly attractive, intelligent women who will mock you for as long as it suits them.

Thanks, as always, for stopping by. I look forward to seeing you next week, when I’m back in my comfort zone. The South….so….southern…

Welcome back to this week’s installment of Horospoke, my lovelies. Once again, I am here to lay it to you straight. If you’d like to hear about your five-star day or how you need to start managing your finances, friends, or daily tasks, please leave the room before the show begins. Girlspoke cannot be held responsible for any medical, physiological, psychological, sexual, or astrological problems that may develp as a result of this horospoke.

Make sure your infrared goggles are on! And, lets begin.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
What up party people?! You have a lot of caffeine today? Couple of extra cigarettes? Illegal drugs, maybe? Your energy can always be an asset, but remember to use it to get shit done. Along those lines, remember that optimism is not always synonomous with realism. Sure, things may improve at work with some dedication and endurance, but your boyfriend, butler, mechanic, lawyer–whatever–will never get any bigger. If you can’t deal with that, please stop making him take those pills. They will not work. Ever.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Let me put this gently…actually, that’s impossible. Who am I kidding? More importantly, who are you kidding? You need to lay off the McDonald’s. Or cookies, or beer, or KFC. Whatever it is that you’ve chosen to indulge upon is starting to become more of a habitual longing. Give that shit up for a bit, and you’ll remember how great it is when taken in moderation. Same goes for the porn, sweets. You’ve probably already been flagged for moderation by Mr. Chertoff himself.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
It seems like something might be bothering you this week. Before it festers like the prostitutes on Sunset Strip, talk it out with someone close to you. It’s never all fun and games, and you need to remember that you’re just as vulnerable as the rest of us. Of course, once you’ve purged this, the fun and games are going to launch into full swing at the end of this week. Make sure your supplies are sufficiently stocked. Oh! And that top you saw the other day? You need to go back and buy it. Pronto. One of the salesboys saw you try it on and you’ve been giving him wet dreams like he’s never known before.

Cancer (June 22-July22)
If you’re feeling a little homesick this week, do your best to snap out of it. Longing for the past is as silly as thinking that Brad and Angelina aren’t fucking at least twice daily. Try to remind yourself of what you’ve accomplished and established as an independent person. Call a friend that’s still at home. Hearing all that drama will remind you that you’re not missing Jack Shit. And, speaking of Jack, I would suggest venturing out of your comfort zone and reaching out to that hot stranger you’ve been running into lately. Regardless of his actual name, you should nickname him Jack. Never tell him why. He’ll fucking love the secrecy.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You’re continuing to inspire your colleagues, so remember that you’re not as big of an ass as they might say. Sometimes you can be easy to hate, but you’re undeserving of that judgement. Well, except for that one time back in your Junior year. Heh. That was fun, wasn’t it? Most importantly, try not to get wrapped up in paranoia this week because it’s unfounded. You’re doing great. Plus, worrying will only diminish your sex drive, stud. Get back out and socialize a bit. The party scene was good for you in more ways than you know.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Remember what works best for you: lists. You make them for the grocery store, for your errands, for tasks completed at work…but have you considered making one for the bedroom? For the Toy Store? You may think that things are completely Kosher on the home-front, but someone is being neglected and doesn’t have the heart to tell you. Sex is fun, remember? Let’s have a damn celebration, then. Party in your room, 10 o’clock. And 2:00, and 5:30, and 9, …

Libra (September 23-October 22)
I know you hate a confrontation, as much as you might talk. Sometimes, though, it’s good to get a little crazy. Let it out. Take off the gloves. Roll up your sleeves. It’s time to get dirty, my Libra. Of course, get your plan of action together first. Don’t start shooting from the hip. Improvisation was never your strong suit. If feeling discouraged, remember that fighting is the personal equivilent of DeTox. Oh, and that make-up sex is the best kind there is. Unless you’re fighting with a friend. Then, make-up shopping would be in order. Or drinking. Yes, let’s go with the drinking. You’ve just been cleansed, right? Your liver can handle a few cocktails.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
If you’re feeling suspicious this week, I have a feeling that you may be onto something. Dust off those old stalking skills that you managed to perfect in college, because you’re on the prowl. Open up the computer and cell phone history and see what I do. Someone is not being honest with you, and you need to catch things before they get out of control. Don’t let a so-called friend call the shots for you. I mean, even if that rumor is true, you totally have an explanation, right? Cold weather? It happens to the best of us, my Scorpio.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
If you didn’t take last week’s suggestions, you’re still feeling a bit anxious, aren’t you? Even if it’s just for a short weekend, you need to get away. Your escapist hobbies may be helping with your symptoms, but you haven’t eliminated what ails you. Instead of getting stoned, plan a trip to Amsterdam. Replace heavy drinking with an appointment with your travel agent. If funds are tight, road-trip it to an old friend’s house. It doesn’t look like you’ll be getting any ass, though, so remember to pack some of your classic flicks.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
This is a mini-crossroads for you. Something major has happened over the past several weeks, and you need to completely separate yourself from the drama. Letting “it” go is never easy, but I promise you that the deal is done. Fighting this issue or getting stubborn will guarantee a public humiliation–and even if you’re into that sort of thing, only bad things can come of this. Once you’re removed from this mess, you’ll realize that you’ve been missing out on someone really fucking hot. Really, really. Hottt.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Ok, let me be the 12th person to tell you this: you’re being terribly dramatic. Your passions are generally well-focused, but you need to remember that the rest of the world has an opinion also. Even if they’re retarded opinions, you can still learn something from listening to the dumb people talk. In fact, they may even give you some fresh insight into a dilemma you’ve been having. How do we cure the world of all the idiots, anyway? Get back to me on that one, please.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Umm. Time to wake the fuck up, my darling. An issue that you’ve been avoiding is about to blow up in your face. Now is actually the best time to deal with it, because the rest of your planet is running very smoothly. You have a strong support system, so make some moves before things get really messy. At this point, there’s still a very obvious way out of all this. But act quickly. If all else fails, remember to keep that appointment with your therapist and that suicide never solves anything.

See you next week!

And, remember…please don’t shoot the astrological messenger.

Good Day, my loves. While many of you were out this weekend dressed as whores, dreaming of Lexie dressed like your fantasy personified, or simply watching some holiday-themed porn to celebrate Halloween, I was here in my lair, incense burning and balls glowing. I have labored and sweated all night to bring you some astological pleasure. Of course, I am simply a medium through which your horospokes pass, so any undertones of sexual desire may or may not have been rubbed off while flowing through my celestial body. So, let’s get down and dirty, shall we?*

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Last week, you worked hard to stay off the bitch radar, and things seem to have paid off. If you’re feeling underappreciated, try not to let it wear you down. This week will provide you with some much needed recognition for a job well done. In the meantime, you should probably go ahead and pat yourself on the back because no one else is going to do that shit for you. In fact, while you’re patting, go ahead and bring your arm back around front, slide it oh-so-slowly down your chest, slower-slower, now undo your belt, yes, that’s right…

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Are you feeling like you’re in the midst of an uphill battle? Well, you are, sweetcheeks. However, remember how completely kickass you are. Second-guessing yourself or getting wrapped up in your daunting tasks will only slow you down. Remember to breathe and take some time at the end of this week to enjoy the company of someone that soothes you. Maybe you could go to dinner, get some wine and maybe some oysters–oooh, or you could stay home and run a bath with loads of bubbles. Don’t you have a distant friend in the porn industry? Former escort? Stripper? No, eh? Yeah, I must be picking up on an errant vibe from a noisy neighbor’s bedroom. You’d be wise to befriend that one.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
If you’re feeling stuck in the middle this week, you have two things to remind yourself: when you say you can keep a secret, you’re lying, and you are actually a really good mediator. Try to step back from the situation and let the parties involved wrap things up on their own. You can’t solve everyone else’s problems and continue to neglect your own. And, if all else fails, umm, threesome?

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Your stubbornness is starting to get really fucking annoying. Now, hear me out before you continue your slew of explitives. For Christ’s sake, there are children in the other room! You are seriously going to miss out on some excellent opportunities this week if you don’t chill the fuck out. Whatever it is that’s bothering you is not as big a deal as you’ve made it. Spend some time alone to regroup, and, you know, test out some of those fantastic techniques you discovered during last week’s trip to Barnes & Noble. And yes, it’s ok if you scream my name in the process to show your gratitude.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
This week may not be as productive as you’d like it to be, my lions. Try to be patient, or risk being branded as a pathetic team-player. In the end, much of this week is about compromise, so try to keep your shit together. Give a little, and take even less. You will get what you’ve been craving soon enough, so don’t blow your load. In the meantime, pass the time with some inspirational tunes this week. I strongly suggest some Frankie Goes to Hollywood and Tenacious D.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Things may have been hectic last week, but you should expect to begin your descent over the next few days. It’s true that much of the world is comprised of assholes, but keep in mind that this will always keep your trade-in value at a higher rate. In other words, that which keeps you down (no, not the handcuffs) is also making you stronger (spanking also helps build your biceps and, in some studies, can help reduce the appearance of cellulite when on the recieving end). If all else fails, tune in for a dose of some Trading Spouses and all will be well in your world again. Because how great is it to know that you’re not as bad as Marguerite Perrin.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
This week, I’d suggest that you continue working on “me time.” There’s something weighing on your mind that you need to take care of before you worry about the rest of your friends. Don’t worry, horospokeâ„¢ “me time” is so much more fun than, say, Dr. Phil “me time.” You have a handful of options, darling, but we’re nearly in emergency mode so I’m going to skip the bullshit. At the end of this week, buy a bottle of your favorite liquor and an adequate “me time” partner. As long as your companion knows how to share, you’re going to have yourselves a lovely little play date. Game of choice? Show & Tell.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Things are starting to look up for the Scorpios this week. Your resourcefulness and patience is about to pay off if you continue your forward movement. And, for crying out loud, show some fucking enthusiasm while you’re at it. Those close to you are concerned with your negativity, and you need to remind them that you’re not completely heartless. This may be a poor reading on their part, but you aren’t doing much to lead them elsewhere. I’d suggest making out with a platonic friend…perhaps even a gay one, just to remind your group that you actually don’t have a stick (or gerbil) up your ass.

Saggitarius (November 22-December 21)
Hopefully you’re feeling a little less depressed, because things are opening up for you this week. No more roadblocks, my friend, so it’s time to dust off your travel-sized toiletries. What was once exit only, is now open for your navigational pleasure. What was firmly tightened has now been properly lubricated for easier manipulation. And those two barracades that were intertwined for supreme security? They’ve been replaced with a much looser model–a fiscal move in your favor, my little archer. Point that arrow…

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Well, here’s the part where I pretend that “last night” or “last week” never happened. We were both really fucking drunk right? Hell yeah. So fuzzy. Cool. So, yeah, this week? Try to remain practical to avoid losing perspective. Money might be an issue, but I bet you’ve been forgetting to factor in the buckets of singles you’ve been handing out to the needy as of late. As for your love life, you need to approach your conquest like a hardcore businessperson. Use some logic, throw around some fringe benefits, and prepare yourself for negotiations. Oh, and lobbying is always an excellent idea. I suggest keeping in touch with the suits in Precious Stones and Metals.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
This week, you have some excellent ideas running rampant in your creative noggin. Now, the important thing is to remember not to flake out; your genius mind can often overflow when you experience such brainstorms. Try to keep your life goals in mind over the next few days, because planets and stars and shit are aligned in you favor. Of course, you may want to take a moment to reassess those goals. When’s the last time you thought about this? Bagging Eva Longoria, as unique and ambitious a goal that may be, is no longer appropriate. Let’s think big things; size always matters.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Things are going pretty well for you, my fishies. This weekend was tempestuous, perhaps, but the drugs have worn off and you’re feeling less dizzy. As happy as you may be, remember to pay attention to what the rest of us call the “real world.” (Deduct 20 points from your coolness quotient if you just thought MTV.) You, of all people, should know that bliss comes in waves, so do your best to secure yourself against the foaming sea. We’ll take small steps, but you need to remain focused. You can start by remembering that you should be orgasming at least 75% of the time, according to my studies. Get a calculator and crunch those numbers, sister.

…until next week, I’ll be here polishing my ball with some Astroglide.

*some links may be NSFW.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This week, you need to watch your back at the office. Your incessant chatter about how often you orgasm per session of lovemaking or how much your boy loves to be in chains is starting to turn the collective stomach of your workplace–even the sex addict in payroll. (Yeah, he’s heard too.) If you can lay low long enough for your co-workers to be distracted by say, a pretty butterfly, they’ll forget about your overbearing perfume long enough for you to snag an invite to Jane’s Giggles party.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The bull is known for its big balls (or ovaries…whatever) but sometimes, you know, when they’re dangling and swinging, it’s just fucking gross. In other words, you moron, you need to chill. Remember that wine that you drank by the jug in college? Well go to the liquor store and buy something that costs about 5 times as much. You need to relax. You could use some classic non-exploratory sex also, but we’re taking baby steps, here.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
I know you’re all amped about that Halloween Party, but hold up for a hot second. Your eye candy is probably going to be there and your costume is more-or-less set. Now you need to call your friend and ask her to call that ex from when she worked at Hooters. She knows him better than you, so use your mouth to communicate for just this once. This prospective hook-up needs a background check before you ask him to help you jack your lantern.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
This is your week to explore a bit. Before all the freaks come out, try spending some time out of your comfort zone. You have the opportunity to meet someone that will excite you in ways that Oprah never could. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. But seriously, get the fuck out of your house and spend some time browsing the Sex & Relationships section at Barnes & Noble. You’ll meet some interesting characters this week, or at least get rid of the dull ones.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Oh, oh, O Leo. Try redirecting your energy this week to, let’s say, the bedroom. Your attraction to large audiences is starting to fray the edges of those close to you. So, dust off that video camera and set up a photo shoot with your number one squeeze. One thing: unless you’re ready to one-up Tommy Lee, never ever show anyone else this tape. And don’t piss off your co-star if she has access. I mean, unless you’re Tommy Lee material dude. In that case, include your phone number in the credits and come up with hot nickname for your member.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Stressed? Ok. This week, let’s try something different. Instead of getting mopey and depressed, get proactive. (Not the fucking zit cream, genius.) You’re so much more productive when you’re pissed anyway, aren’t you? Plus, those tears are doing nothing to help you win the affections of boy wonder. Most importantly, men love a women in control, in high heels, and short skirts. Well, at least the last two for sure. So before you tell off your enemies, you might want to hit up Macy’s for some Big Brown Bag action.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Listen, I’m sure you’d insist that things are “just fine,” but everyone can see that something’s bothering you. While many would suggest you simply move to New York and learn how to bcome a real bitch, I’d also suggest you simply buy a new vibrator. Honestly, that blue one is, well, blue. Trying to make the entire world “get along” is only bearable when you can come home to a strong support network, so start realizing that it’s ok to spend 1/8 of your weekly salary on sex. Or a reasonable substitute. (No, cocaine doesn’t count.)

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
If you continue to insist to your co-workers that you’ve figured out the twist in Lost, you’re going to be the number one target in your office’s version of Maxim Magazine’s Office Politics, The Game! This week, channel your curiosity into something more personal. Ancient Roman pornography, for instance. You need to lighten up, and seeing some of that shit will certainly hinder the arguments that you’ll likely create this week. Plus, sharing some of your newfound erotica is one way to win you some fantastic ass, finally.

Saggittarius (November 22-December 21)
You have a couple of upcoming events that are weighing on your mind. Before they consume your daily thoughts, make a list of the things you enjoy doing. Next week, when you’re refilling your Zoloft, pull out that list and force a smile. Then silently mock anyone you see that is sporting spandex. If you have a camera phone, be slick and get a picture. Remembering to be silly will keep you focused when the rest of the world is simply continuing to spawn morons.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Christ, you are some piece of work, you fucking asshole. If you’d only get that gigantic head of yours out of your fat, hairy ass, you could fucking realize that the rest of the world is plotting your miserable death. Sorry, I’m trying to help you out here. If you don’t kindly shut the fuck up this week, that little thing that you’re hiding is totally going to be leaked to spite your egotistical ass. Can’t be nice? Cut out some pictures of a dog and come up with a story about how you rescued it from death over the weekend. Trust me. Lay low and paste on a smile, jerk.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
This week could make or break you. While your typically wet-napkin personality scores you lots of fans at work, your love life is more flacid than Tom Cruise’s theoretical penis. Do something definitive with your lover this weekend to avoid another train-wrecked relationship. If you don’t have a lover, then you should probably just focus on getting really drunk at the office Halloween party. We’ll work on recharging your batteries next time.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You’re avoiding the inevitable with you-know-who. Get some fucking balls already and do what needs to be done. Picking at that bandaid with a silly frown is not only prolonging the inevitable, but it’s also making you look like a complete dumbass. Seriously. Similar to that time that you got kicked out of that titty bar, you will totally regret this behavior if you continue to pussy foot around. In fact, the subsequent rush will give you a glow later this week. And you know your admirers are all hot for some glow.